On the Plane

by Matt Romantech on August 11, 2017

I am on the plane.

I guess I was feeling as if I just needed to get on the plane and then I could feel as if I was letting the discs go and I was leaving it all behind.

I want to go on twitter and tweet how I’m leaving it all behind. I remember the talent quest, the bell rung half way through the song and everyone started leaving, so I tried to signal to cam to go straight into the lead break, and in the process confused tahi and just turned it into a shambles.

Why am I thinking of that now? As we pulled in to the airport, I thought of the families arriving in the intensive care the day they moved my mother out, there’d been a workplace accident and more than one worker was seriously hurt. And that’s how it is, one family has been there grieving and anxious for days, one or two are just converging under tragic circumstances.

I guess it’s life, the world keeps turning and here I am.

I was standing in the intensive care, I was the one hammered for months and years by Paul’s bullshit and I am the one who has risen again.

Events in life happen, big things, good things, bad things, things, things happen and you feel a certain way, you react, perhaps not immediately but I guess, but you process things in your own time.

I was going to start writing because that’s how I reorientate to my tasks but then I had to reflect, I feel so normal about this all of a sudden, and that’s where all these memories started coming back.

I am not driven by revenge, I am task oriented.

What am I doing on this plane? I am task oriented.

I have a duty to tear the joy in life from Paul’s hands any way I can. That is my answer to what he has put to me.

I will use the experience to make hay – my revenge concept project – it’s art. It’s conceptual. It’s not simply petty vindictiveness, a feel a duty to it, yet I want to “make the most” of it.

But the point I am drifting toward is that I am on this plane because I am task oriented.

I am not sitting in this chair drooling over ukrainian girls. I am task oriented, and in life, I felt, you need a woman, but again, I feel detached from that right now.

I guess I was . . . you see a beautiful woman and you want that. It’s the most natural thing.

But somehow I feel detached from that right now and I am wondering on it.

I am on this plane because I felt I had to.

I am learning what I can do on the plane – I have power as it turns out, but no internet, but for 20mb to post a tweet or whatever.

It’s good! I had a meal and a beer and put a movie on and it’s been good. I keep feeling like I want to spark a joint and just relax. Suddenly I’m not anxious and this adds to my feeling of detachment.

Anxiety comes from a sense that the stakes are high, no matter how deeply it’s buried under the nervousness.

Are the stakes no longer high? Does it lead back, as it all seems to, to the trading? Well if it does, then it only makes sense that we understand that it’s something that will take it’s own time and it’s best to accept that other priorities have room to take their place.

Right now I am detached from the idea I’m off to hunt for hot ukrainian girls.

I am on this plane because having kids is just another duty that we have in life. Nobody made a rule that if Paul did what he did I would have to pay him back, or that I need to breed, but I felt that . . . you create the world you live in. You build the world you live in.

You want to live in a world where people can get away with utterly disrespecting you then let it be.

But if you want to live in a world where you have a loving family, then you have to build that world, and I believe the girls you want are in ukraine.

It’s weird to feel so detached from it, so task oriented about it, but that’s part of being human, knowing that how you feel right now, is not how you will always feel, or isn’t where your deeper values truly lie, but this is part of the process, that you can understand it from the outside, but you can’t really know it until you’re in it.

I knew that I would have a philosophical reaction and that’s what I’m drilling into, except rather than being overcome with this joy that the discs are over and that my reward for all the years I’ve been through is now here.

I guess feeling so relaxed and untroubled allows me the opportunity to reflect on what I really want.

I want Paul to pay. But I want to be happy also, and that won’t make me happy. What will make you happy? Well, a big fat joint.

I want to train. I want to meditate. I want to work on my tunes. I want to build as my trading will allow it. I want to find somewhere where I can build this, where I can go to chase the endless summer, where I can live this life and sell my lifestyle as a brand.

I think it keeps coming back to the fact the trading hasn’t worked yet, and it’s funny to flip back to the last blog post and see me saying, well, it’s still all the trading, you need to allow it to happen, you need to detach and allow the trading to happen.

***

I forgot to get my laptop out for the second flight and I was just to mashed at that stage to bother, I felt seedy. I hadn’t had a proper nights sleep, and I’d been wearing the same clothes for 20 hours straight.

Just stare out the window, watch a couple more movies, try to get a bit more rested, eat the mediocre airline food in the cramped little spot.

At that point I had another, stronger wave of doubt, what was it? Seeing all the couples.

I felt so detached but I was trying to draw myself back to the ukraine girls, but it didn’t work, I just felt detached like it was all just another burden, go off, find some ukrainian girl to impregnate and then raise fucking brats, in a whole miserable exercise of simply just playing out what youre supposed to do in order to battle off constantly encroaching misery, as if it were possible.

I see the couples travelling, and simultaneously I feel inadequate and yet I imagine it to be a misery, dragging the same girl you’ve fucked hundreds of times all around the place with you and having to make constant compromises.

I knew that I was just being bleak because well obviously now, I was crabby because I was tired, seedy and stinky.

I was just thinking it all seemed foolish, I’m old, I’m short, I need money to impress these girls, but I don’t even speak their language, it’s all so difficult. But what choice do I have? Unsurprisingly, this thought only made me feel more bleak.

I was trying to be task oriented and it just felt like work.

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Off to Europe

by Matt Romantech on August 6, 2017

The nerves are starting to build, I just got news I fucked up a massive job and am going to have to pay shane to do it again, it will cost me over $300.

I have to learn to accept this kind of stuff.

It’s just $300, and I am out of the game now. I have to learn not to beat myself up about this stuff because it’s going to happen, you can’t let it paralyse you and knot you up, shit happens, there’s going to be costs and you’re going to have to pay them.

You can’t let these kinds of things rip you up. Remember the cost of the plane to great barrier, you just had to pay it.

It’s just one of those things, you’re not poor, you have to roll with it.

It’s that I’m getting more anxious and the anxiety needs something to engage with.

What I really need to do is stay conscious of what I need to get done, my ticket print outs are the main one.

Am I really ready to pack everything into my case and go?

I can’t record my voice. We are just going to have to deal with that until another solution presents itself.

I am getting into a state, but I don’t really have the energy, I know I am entering the bubble where I have to accept there is little I can do to fix my issues and I have to fall back on contingencies.

I have gone and put all my tickets into a folder so I can get them printed out. This has made me feel better but I need to keep ticking it off, there are so many things to do, I still need to be on top of my hard drives.

I know that putting second chances together with the video and exporting it is all I really need to do to achieve what I wanted to achieve.

Once I’ve done this stuff what do I really need to do? Pack my bags and leave. It all becomes about my case, and the hard drives being right, and I think they are, but we have to push through to make sure they’re really right.

I have suddenly made a huge call to abandon the big monitor, it is too obvious now since I’ve spent 5 nights here and I haven’t used either big screen. Yes it’s annoying for doing video, but I want to have less hassle and it’s obvious I can get by without it.

Next year when I have a base it makes sense to make sure I’m fully set up for my base, but this trip I know what I’ll be doing – the days and nights will fly by I don’t need the big ass monitor, I need to be set up in my game and then next next to where I’m checking out a new city.

My focus can change – I’m checking out the cities, I’m trading, I’m making vital headway in various projects as I can, like I am now, just trying to wriggle forward with what I’ve got.

I know with my big hard drive, I have everything I need to process so much stuff. Get to it, the big screen is a luxury for later.

With the controller there was some irony, will I ever use it, especially if I can’t do a voice over like for a podcast? It’s the principle! And I will find a way to record. The idea is I am learning to try and be free. I’m not really free if I can’t do a podcast with a mix, if I can’t bust out a gig, if I can’t mix test my tunes even if I can’t monitor them adequately.

I still need to do be able to do this stuff when I’m on the go or it’s not the vibe, not having the screen doesn’t stop me from anything, I am happy I made the decision, and it doesn’t change anything – I will want the screen but I am blasting around too much this time and if I really want just a simple screen, I can get one.

My DJ controller is not replaceable without a big process. The magic bullet which is also heavy, and the hard drive are the only other heavy things in there now. And they do add weight together.

***

My day was extremely stressful, but I got my vaccines and I got my settlement done as in, I just went to check now and the money is gone so I have to assume we’re all done and my final figure, I have over $69k left in my bank account however, I don’t think I’ve paid any utilities recently.

It doesn’t matter, I was going to happy with anything over $67k.

We may have missed rent too, don’t be too chuffed, that figure does seem high.

It doesn’t matter, we seem good, but we must keep on, we must see the next problem.

I certainly hammered it today though.

The issue with the line in can only be fixed one way, I have to record through a headset, $30, limiting to not being able to record my sets and my voice at the same time. Well yes I can, if I can record in samplitude – in fact is there any guarantee I can record?

No, I just have to buy this thing for $75.

But lets revisit the problem – if I can only record through the mike how does that limit us?

The line out on the controller can still go to any speakers if I take both cables.

If I can record on serato for the mix and do the voiceover on other software its possible to go live.

***

Now we enter the 72 hour window.

I am reluctant to believe the stress is over after spending 2 days absolutely smashing it, getting in there and getting good to do it.

Something will go wrong and I have to be ready.

But I can acknowledge not just how I slammed it, but that by doing so, I have closed up a lot of business, I have finished with a lot of crap, and I just need that to soak in.

It’s not just the discs but for weeks now life has been full of stress and costs and preparation.

insurance, vaccinations, luggage, the whole computer issue, all of that shit, all the bookings, all of that shit, I am learning to do my shit.

I guess want to be aware of what I need to do – all my hard drive business.

I know deep down that things happening on my computer can only be resolved on my computer, but the hard drive stuff has to be done now.

Computer stuff, content stuff, archive stuff that needs to be sorted can be sorted after I leave, in fact that’s where I have to begin.

There’s no point rushing into the impending philosophical spin out that will inevitably come when I think about leaving auckland and what that means.

It’s more than no discs. When you live the suitcase life, what that is.

Is it possible for me to start really getting into a minimal life where I can trade, and train and make tunes?

Well, yes, but where is that going? I am going somewhere with this.

It’s not just about girls, ultimately. I have a place where I vibe in summer, and if we were to simply project, next summer, I would be in riga, kiev, prague, budapest, belgrade, bucharest, sofia, and maybe down in my greek spot, I would be spending 2 or 3 weeks in each of my spots, or I would have chosen a hub spot, say, bucharest, where I am permanently for 2-4 months, Or you know, I decide to spend july and the beginning of august in riga, and 2 months either side at a base spot, where it’s easy for me to do my drum and bass camps or some such, to form that vibe, where I am in town for 5 days or more for a gig or some such in one of my cities and I am doing my camp.

But it keeps coming back to whether the trading can allow for me to do anything decent.

WE may well reach $6-8k consistently by the end of the year but STILL not be able to draw down.

Mad.

I think this is what it’s all about, I can’t win in trading for months, so going away allows me to draw my attention away while it all works through, for afterall, we are bringing in the capital, we just need to rinse it out and most importantly, hold the line by hedging up.

Hedging means what we are experiencing now, little action when the rollback comes, our hedges mean our returns are not what they would be, but that is the price we pay for insurance, wherever we go from here, we will be safer than if

I think it’s important to open yourself to the concept of not caring. I’m on the road, I don’t care.

Detach a little bit, let it happen.

***

Heading into the last 48 hours it’s about whats in my case and in my computers.

second chances is good.

I hit it. I did my whole case, I just got onto that emachines notebook when I saw it has a line in!!! I was desperate to find the cord but nup.

Did my run, I measured it, it was 8km, I am so ready and good to go to it, because I know if I have a break for an hour or two, I can run back, and do 10km+ every day.

What am I worried about?

I can work on all my songs, I can work on my archives, I’ve got it all at hand, I’ve got the tour videos, I’ve got 2 versions of premier. I can work on my videos.

My clothes are great, I might take another pair of jeans. But thailand will be hot. You’ll have to buy shorts there.

I keep trying to make the bigger connection to the bigger narrative but it doesn’t work.

I just keep seeing it as the next job that needs to be done, go to russia and find out if you can handle it to meet girls.

Or simply I can get a flash apartment in a city in summer for $200 or less and live their for a few months trading,

It won’t be cheaper than staying at the farm but it will be warmer.

Surely, surely, surely my trading must kick in.

AT some point either I sink or swim, or boom or bust, if I never get a margin call, then one day, surely, one day I win.

We ended on a high note, we rolled back beyond $46k and then settled over $44k, it is at least respectable, and sees us falling back from the edge, which is where we want to be, away from the edge.

If I don’t go over that edge, I live. If I live, if I survive, I win.

***

Anxiety comes in in waves but I am surfing them somehow.

I organised the garage quickly, I went for a run. I just remember I left all that messed up kurb stuff out in the cold, all drying from that flood we had, it’s messed up a fair bit of stuff, but how much did it matter anyway? It was just old posters flyers and stickers, piles of the same cheaply photocopied stuff I used to put everywhere it’s nothing special, in fact maybe it’s kind of screwed a lot of it up in a mad way, it all looks like it’s been washed in the sewer.

It is literally grimy.

BUt anyway, that’s something else, it’s a glance back.

I drill my pack up and then pack down.

I am testing it all, I am nearing 3 hrs battery use on the laptop and I think 5 is doable. 5 is enough.

I have hit those apps, I have hit google translate, uber, maps, I have got going on those sims, I even called up travelsim, I think when I get there I’m going to connect somehow, and tomorrow I should probably use it to try and call somebody in NZ.

I’ve done my banking, I’ve done it all, I did miss the rent again, so I gave him that and $200 for water, and my dad a grand for property maintenance.

The numbers look very square although I still have eletricity and phone bills I’m looking at.

The facts are 5 weeks prague to bucharest shouldn’t be too much, but I think we should be realistic and expect an overun, and if you come back with $55k that’s okay, you’ve still got living expenses for 2 years and a buffer zone for your trading.

But things will go wrong.

I am thinking about what I will be working on on the plane and I do want to hammer those archives down a bit more.

On the 2tb drive we have all our working projects, this is for archives, tour vids, website changes, kurb archives, kurb vids,

the documents dump is 150gb of stuff I pretty much have, so I want that ironed through, more clarity so the docs area can catch up with music and video – which shows pics and art are also behind.

Video parts is also a good place to start refining the content to make more room, a new mash up of old videos should be the product, so we have another version of the best of this content on top of the actual finished videos themselves, we would have taken this content far enough, and it can then be added back into the mix, and all these projects done away with, more simplicity is what we want.

All the kurb DVD stuff we want to sample is on there, but that shit drains the battery. Video parts, I guess this idea is more for the overnight stays when we’re working on various things – earmark projects we can work on.

Mainly it’s cycling through songs, through documents, images, and beginning to sort.

Searching for more simplicity with it.

The websites we can work on.

pics and art, document dump, mp3s – theres a nuisance folder in the listening music, but also sorting still to be done, why aren’t we done with it yet? Just needs to be sorted actually, put them through.

Then you’ve got authentic playlists you can roll and curate, removing some, adding new stuff to the mix.

After that it’s only fruityloops before video.

If you can’t archive, write, or archive music its then music before video – but we know where to start, working on our samples the beats section both dnb and general need more attention and that’s fine because that’s where we start, that’s how we do this.

Shuttles to my hotel are less than $30, that will do.

I will have to see how I feel but I think the first mission is to get some weed and possibly food. Of course if we have data this is all easy, but the walk into town and back is only the same as my daily run at most.

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