More Badness

by Matt Romantech on May 23, 2017

Everything went farily badly as usual.

In the middle of the night I got bad indigestion and my nose fully, painfully irritated and I just wasn’t really able to get back to sleep because I just got a massive rage ball going about again, my diet wouldn’t be so bad if it wasn’t for my house.

I ended up thinking I wouldn’t pay them, but by the time I got up for the shoot I was just feeling so laid low I wasn’t even nervous just absolutely blasted out emotionally.

She didn’t turn up anyway. I was hardly surprised, still, my mood crashed. I have been told firmly that there will be no rctv right now.

Again, I was just so crushed emotionally I went to bed and slept through the day.

The foulness has me in it’s grip. It’s not “depression”.

Yes it is. If it wasn’t depression you would cope with the facts. Instead you go into these dark spirals where you just lose hours and hours piled in a heap, angry at everything, feeling like a victim, trying to understand why this has all happened, then I start writing . . . I’m scared to let go of the anger because I feel it is my defense I am clinging to while under attack, I have to be ready, I am the victim, I am under attack.

I made $4200 trading this week. This fact can’t seem to offer me anything. For years I have waited for this, now it means nothing, because – mainly because I have become emotional, unstable, fragile.

It is a fucking miracle that being depressed doesn’t stop me from trading and in fact probably does the opposite because all I want to do is dwell like a troglodyte, smoking weed and eating little cakes.

I guess I feel the pathos. I get to get rich, sure, the sort of thing most people literally would give their left arm for. millions of dollars. But I can’t enjoy it any more because I feel so robbed of the opportunity to find my way.

A lot of the mistakes I made in the past were mistakes I had to learn from but these last few years, I didn’t do this to myself. These real estate agents were lying to me, and I was so desperate I couldn’t see it. it is humbling to admit all this pain I’m in now was due to that lapse in judgement.

But the way it all works out has not fundamentally changed. My trading only just came right, would I have been planning to leave when I was in the doldrums? Yes. But my trading had to come right. It has to work out.

Shooting RCTV has been a disaster, but the work I’ve done on the scripts and the whole concept has been incredible, it’s hard to imagine that in just a month or two I . . .

I had no intention of doing RCTV now, I just got so stupidly ambitious, again because I was desperately grabbing.

2 months ago I was finishing my last attempt on the new songs that are now in jeopardy and I had done the archive video footage and was moving into the lean hogs stuff.

The hope was that I was doing tunes, I had started on video, and I was also working hard on the trading because the earnings were so poor, and I taught myself all about the new automated strategies I would slowly implement.

I was doing a lot but as the house situation got out of control and russia began to disappear again, I became desperate to follow up RCTV for a win to compensate, and over 6 weeks I began building out the scenes and putting out that casting call.

Even 7 odd weeks ago I was grappling with simply giving up video because it was making me miserable.

What else do I need that would still matter if I already had a good girl?

Video? Well, sure but it wouldn’t be some driving need, I’d just tinkle along.

Maybe you need to start getting that into your head.

Remember the whole strategy I was leaning on was being able to pay somebody $200+ a time to start making progress.

They would help me hit the archiving and tour vid projects, but I simply wasn’t making enough money. Even now I am picking it up, it seems a big call, but I think I am again desperate for a win so finishing tunes and this tour vid content – with or without paid help – is where I will go.

In march I was really despairing about how much money I could make. Then it was $2k, but remember by that logic you can now make $3-4k per week forever if you just want to go into autopilot now.

My job over the next few weeks is to keep everything cool and steady and perhaps holding at $10k, if we have some quiet weeks around $3k, embrace it – right now if we can build that little advantage, if we can stay above $60k, we are still holding strong, moving beyond the reach of the badness.

I am just looking at the carry trade cost here and getting pretty learnt.

AUD is a good carry, NZD isnt.

EUR is a good funding, Yen isn’t

Turkey is INSANE, TRY/EUR is straight 11% – how do you like that. I need to buy so much more turkish knowing that if I need to find $20k to prop it up, well, so be it. At 11% you are betting that it won’t fall 11% in order to make a profit.

Damn. You need to get out of the yen. NZD pairs, except for AUDNZD forget it.

NZDCAD is rude. EURCHF also looks wacked.

CADEUR is so beautifully priced.

AUD is the choice carry currency, longterm I want to out of NZDGBP, it’s pointless, NZDCAD is only staying because it hedges 2 of my big boys AUDNZD and AUDCAD. EURCAD is destined to become one of these biggest boys.

NZDUSD also, pointless. Get out. NZDJPY, stupidest carry/risk trade. pointless.

CHF is so much better funding then yen, forget yen, forget kiwi, but NZDCHF is ok. We will trade them on longer cycles at either end of the market.

Yen is a joke and the reason our carry cost is $46 p/day is that rise in the swiss which means we have twice as much swiss as yen, and my plan is to switch entirely to swiss, which still rises in risk but as a safe haven, not funding reversal, so it’s never as severe as yen.

AUD you need to get in on the swing, you need to hold a big bottom, holding a lot of AUD is never bad, because it won’t swan dive like an emerging currency like turkish, but the carry is good.

Wheat is outrageous, whereas Orange Juice and Sugar somehow pays a dividend.

AUDNZD, AUDCAD, EURCAD

NZDCAD, EURGBP, EURUSD, EURCHF

USDCAD, USDGBP, CADGBP, AUDUSD

AUDEUR, AUDGBP, EURNZD, CHF-x

NZDGBP, NZDUSD, yen-x

The turkish have surprised, and recall my old ideas.

I have also begun to discover the maths of why bigger ranges create so much pain.

But what the turkish talks about is taking losses when you stack up from a historical low on turkish or aussie.

Looking at the long term EURAUD chart, those risk falls are so prominent – when euro pushes toward 1.60, buy the aussie but be ready for a few hundred pips of pain

Again, the big aussie hedges I put down across the european currencies are not bad, because the carry is favourable. In NZD i wasn’t so heavy handed, which is appropriate.

My carry cost is $46! It was about $33 when I first blew my account up with a third margin I have now.

Unfortunately looking at the GFC chart, I don’t think we can do carry trade seriously until after a big move – a serious crash would take us to 1.90 and beyond within a few months. Real pain.

That is still only 20%. The point is, don’t fear the aussie hedge, and get in after a risk move, but get out of yen for good.

The TRYEUR is 2.5% off it’s bottom. The damage has been done. TRYUSD it’s 10% – in any risk aversion, we should expect this to be met and broken through. So the euro is ripe.

If you buy $100k more turkish, you will need to be prepared to dump in $50k of your other money in a big meltdown. Huge ask. We will have to move forward treading carefully, but the word is we are wasting opportunities to get into turkish and feel it out knowing we are hovering off the bottom, and we are making a true investment, what we are really waiting for is dips we can jump on.

Why will the next risk move be crazy? Because we can jump on turkish and aussie and even NZDJPY at bargain prices, interest positive, and just get money on the way up.

We will make out like bandits even if the account has been beaten up and we have to be a little cautious.

If our turkish was $600k, we would be getting $150 a day in interest. We would need $100k or more to back up the account in case the turkish started tanking again.

It is a big argument to keep my savings . . . well as they are. Accessible. We know we have another $50k to access, so lets move forward with the first $100k.

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Drive Failure

by Matt Romantech on May 21, 2017

I have just gotten the word that I have had a hard drive failure.

Of course we have recovered data before, so it’s not anything to freak out about yet. I am just assessing what I have backed up and where concerns might arise.

There are 2 hard drives, so I am assuming that the one with all my music and pictures etc. on it should be fine.

It is the drive with windows on it that I am more concerned about, and the major issue there is all that work I did arranging my samples. A lot of that is backed up, but not all of it.

My projects are all backed up, but perhaps not the latest few tunes.

Other than that, it’s mainly a lot of records, documents. A lot of the documents I will have backed up from the last time this happened.

Now, I do all my writing in blogs, but there are quite a few planning documents I need. I’m lucky I printed the scripts I need for tomorrow.

The trading screens also come to mind.

It’s just really not knowing what is and isn’t there, and this calls for the big archive rehaul.

I should be thankful I have what I do have.

The more I think about it, the more I am, afterall, windows still began to boot up, so it’s nowhere near as bad as last time, and last time, I got everything back.

It’s mainly the organisation of the samples – a lot of it, some of it I backed up, the trading screens and planning docs I use, and the last months or two work on my new tunes, this is precisely why I sent these last batch to john, because at least if he has them, even if my house burnt down, I still have my newest, best songs.

the chances I have completely lost anything is probably about 10%, which is not negligible, but it’s pretty low.

But still I have to be worried, and I have to reflect that all my troubles is the reason why I wasn’t more thorough in my back ups.

I am not back to square 1, a lot of my work is back up until the beginning of this year. Losing the trading screens would be annoying but not a full disaster.

Again, losing the organisation of the samples . . . is not actually losing any content.

Those few new songs I wrote.

He said was a bad sector, so that does indicate, it’s just the drive that windows is on, and certainly not all of it, as is obvious that it would begin to boot.

What I am recognising is something I already knew, not just to back shit up, obviously, but to be able to get my whole shit down to 1 hard drive, and have many copies in multiple locations, and be fully unfazed by any data loss.

I have to get right into my archiving. The new hard drive will be the model for THE hard drive, but what’s on my new laptop is only what’s required.

The thing is, other than my house, what is stopping me from leaving?

Getting my computer ready and doing all the archiving so that I totally know where I’m at with it.

My songs and my listening music have been done, and my samples too – as long as the recovery is successful –

It’s mainly the video I wanted to do, which allows me to access old footage I would want for those archive vids and the first RCTV episode.

But after second chances, a lot of stuff can be cleared away. Then we can archive this video – there isn’t really that much of it, so I’ll move straight on to completing the archive videos, once the lean hogs video is done.

I just want to get all the videos in one place. After I do those archive sequences, what do I need?

To get RCTV1 down – to get into the account and get the video down, which I have, and add some new skits, which I have. There are at least another 11 videos I want to put up so you need to get cracking.

It seems more important that we bring all the video together on a really big 3tb hard drive, then we can order what we’re keeping, and a lot of the old video mixes can go in the trash compactor to get recycled a few times over for new multi layer vibes.

I begin to wonder what it is I am looking for. I’m always looking for the lost files that never were. There is supposed to be another song or another video I’ve forgotten about hiding at the back, but I know the feeling that you get – is that all there is?

It’s good to be old and to understand all the feelings and the order they come in. Now I know this feeling, I know that what it is telling me is it’s time to look forward and not back.

We have videos and songs that we did. Dozens and dozens. They are preserved. They are all in order in youtube, older songs and content are on my site, soon the 27 stories must come – a way to dilineate all the content – the content is there, but how do we make sense of it, because at some point, you have to create a beginning for a beginner to begin at.

Well you come to the website and you see the fresh content. And if you want to go to the beginning of youtube, you can. And if you want to go to the archives section, there’s a whole thing based around these 27 content mini-era, and then all databass, soul science, reality compound all have their own sites, not that they’re updated that often.

It all supposed to be background content, so if you start digging you find endless content. Now all my videos are laid out for access, for remixing. They are done videos. I have my tour videos, and I have my kurb dvd archive. These folders are ready to go.

When the archive vids are done, and the first 2 rc installments are done, there is nothing else to do except go forward. You have your archive. You have clearly defined projects with the tour vids, and then the dvd footage. You need to process all the footage and all the songs to get a smaller and smaller pool from which to create the core content.

We have 1 reel so far, soon we should have around 10 and at least 10 full length features. 10 songs, with 10 music videos, and then the music videos as a basis to a 10-15 minute short film. Then you make the raw material available and push for more remixes with more videos, until you have enough secondary material to release a redub. “Whispers” would be redub material.

But it will likely take a couple of years. We just need to make sure all the content is processed digitally properly so we can move on with the physical stuff.

So if we use footage from the first reel plus a few performances, the cd/dvd stuff we shot plus a few ripped visuals, I can possibly use some stuff from lean hogs vid where I’m sitting at the computer, going into more depth about the cultural and post modern values, I’m sure I will make it work even if I don’t get shots of me that reflect the big pile of discs.

It’s not meant to be perfect, it’s meant to capture the discs, and the printers, and the whole thing before I trash it for good and forget about it. I can put all the old stuff in a corner in my place and think about going about the artistic physical deconstruction and my art projects with this. I want to turn it all into art.

I will have an art exhibition and then well, a tour, and I don’t know, something will happen, I’m sure I had a plan. Of course the exhibition would be mapped to the morphospace. I mean I think the idea is stay true to sending these artifacts to their conclusion which is just to keep recombining everything and whittling it down until the final form is acceptable as it’s final statement, or just keep going.

It again suggests I am best to find my way through these short term issues, because the plan is good.

Apparently I am an artist, an actor, in a band and a producer, oh and I course I direct and produce my own short films, videographer, oh and of course I’m a novelist.

Is that not mind blowing? I think you need to just steady everything nicely, and to come through this rctv thing will make things very much easier, but there are plenty of loose ends to tie up, and getting the laptop now is going to be a good way to get things moving.

Once that is resolved, it’s the archive sequences, lean hogs, and following up lana and greg for the next shoots. I don’t even need another model. I don’t even need lana.

I need to do 2nd chances, do lean hogs, do the archiving so that the 2 projects are locked in good, and then start warming up those kurb skits.

You don’t even need to finish rctv bits, just do the shoots.

– finish second chances and noob beats lean hogs
– shoot with greg and shane and whoever else to get the first episode done

DO WE NEED THE SINGLE LADY OR VOLITA?

No.

This is what we said. The moment we introduced “loops” we no longer had to make sure any of travel content would be in order. The story leads back to the beginning, but then with the space captain thing, it’s the opposite, in other story we know the origin points where the loops close, but with the space captain, we don’t know his origin point yet, because it too loops back to captain matty’s origin point.

invisible origin point. space captain explores the vortex from which the clones spawned. this leads back to the godfather, but is an allegory for what happens in the myspace movie.

pirate matty is on his eventual way to russia, he won’t get there for a year, and space captain will only just be introduced.

The russian story goes forward, but it loops back into the NYL storyline. Pirate matty retires after dugong vs manatee to just be an occasional feature of NYL. He might feature in the space captain adventures but that really is not what we’re worrying about now.

– finish second chances and noob beats lean hogs
– shoot with greg and shane and whoever else to get the first episode done – just the mum in the mall
– load all projects up fully archived ready to leave

The question is, could we hold back the rctv stuff until after both the tour and archive stuff???

It would mean lots of music videos, lots of this content for music videos, and rowdy tour stuff leading to the cd/dvd archiving stuff, leading to the kurb skits, leading to RCTV2

Do you mean to say that RCTV2 won’t happen this year???

Maybe. But there will be plenty of content, and plenty of preparation.

I’m not dropping rctv. I am still shooting rctv. I just won’t be editing it because I have other content to edit helping us build the narrative.

I come back from russia and all i’ve dropped since is music videos and tour vids, of which there isn’t likely to be more than 8, then i roll into the archiving vids that are well since done, and again yes the kurb skits work. Then RCTV2 just as I’m back over summer working on the rest of the series.

Maybe I need to just get ready to kill the tour videos and murder every music video coming next.

push to shoot, but realise that the archiving and rctv projects are more complex.

All that just to work out I should have chosen to do the tour vids.

I’m getting this underlying feel that I should just take care of all of this to warm up to do RC really really right.

Find volita. Find graham. Get darcy, do it all right from the start, and use this time to really build the base content.

***

If it turns out I have lost my new tunes, my planning pages and my trading screens . . .

All those new samples I cut. Damn.

These should all be recoverable by an expert if it comes down to it, and the point I was going to make is that it wouldn’t have to be immediately.

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Aesthetic Density

May 21, 2017

That god damn DJ mix video is finally done. There are some bits that aren’t that great, because it’s just my head, my face dominating the mix of visuals, during the door knocker sequence. But there are so many bits that make me think, man, if all my videos looked like that for the whole […]

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The Epic Narrative

May 17, 2017

It’s like it was with Paul, every day is becoming harder and harder to deal with. If they didn’t keep sending lawyers and real estate agents and other reptilian forms to attack me i wouldn’t be “depressed”. always some fucking lawyer, real estate agent, parking warden, reptilian out to get you. I am yelling at […]

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Bad Action

May 15, 2017

I have just done another prep session and I am feeling really confident about smashing it. But . . . now my model, once again, has cancelled. Why does it keep happening? Because it can. Not all of these girls are flakes, but you know that some of them are. I’m not that bummed out […]

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Slow Winning

May 15, 2017

It is a slow day, it is one of those slow periods transitioning out of work and into not work – content. The trading held my attention, now it has slowed up again. Payge the tall model is ready for sunday that it what I am preparing for. Clean the house and plan all my […]

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Good Actress

May 14, 2017

Wow the actress I got today was awesome and I am so happy because that’s what I want, she doesn’t have to be the hottest girl in the world, like Bonnie she’s a cute girl, firm 8 because she’s young, but most importantly she is relaxed and can act. That’s what I want. I don’t […]

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Black Sunday Moonshine

May 12, 2017

Sunday. I am trying to find my way back. There was a power cut this morning and the render of my video that was giving me life was brutally cut short. I could have tried to do something, and I will, but I have to be gentle on myself. It’s just too hard feeling plagued […]

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Fantasies and Trading

May 7, 2017

It’s the saturday post. I feel so beaten down and forlorn by the bullshit of trying to do RCTV on top of all the bullshit with the house. I thought the bullshit with the house could be worked through if I just threw myself into RCTV and made doing that my priority. Instead, my failure […]

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The Godfather

May 7, 2017

The teen for my first shoot today cancelled. I don’t even want to recount how many of these girls keep flaking on me. I am not really despairing that much, I just understand. I am at the hard part, where everything is hard. I simply don’t have the resources, the clout. I can’t be some […]

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