I dunno I was pretty happy with the plan as it stood.
The plan was . . . get rich, then get back into the game. Starting this year. I’d be back in it.
But it never ends, does it?
That’s what I realise now. You get started and you want just a bit more, if I could be just a bit more sooner, and you’re beavering away thinking you’re doing the right thing, and soon you’re addicted to working, because you can’t relax ever because you just feel like you’re wasting time and you’re letting yourself down . . . and what have you really become? Is that good?
That’s not me, but it sure sounds like someone really pathetic . . . who sounds kind of . . . a lot like me.
Hey. You got a problem you need a solution. I’m just a DJ here. But we all have to start at the start, and sort it out.
I am not planning on running off to freak out and join the fucking circus. I like my work. I like what I do. I like being good at something, and I like taking care of my own shit.
But when there’s never any time for anything more than that, it feels oppressive. It pisses me off, the life starts to drain from me, I wonder what I’m doing. I feel black as hell, there’s no meaning. I’m empty.
I need answers. The plan was to take a break over the holidays to focus on my music and other creative shit, but there was too much overhang, then I went on tour down south again, then now there’s gigs on again, and work is building up again . . .
I mean, what the hell is going on I just want to write my beats. I dunno, I just want to be LESS normal!
This is deep shit man! This isn’t some kind of writer’s block. I can go open up the program, I can do that now, I did earlier. I wrote some shit. And I know I have to go deeper.
What do I mean? “Deeper”?
I don’t know! That’s probably why I’m so unsure. I need to get more zen like in my songwriting space. It’s not that I can’t write, I just want to tap into that “zone”, I want to commune more with a creative space, and I feel that’s what’s holding me back.
Fuck, that sounds silly, but I mean it. It also sounds like I’m making excuses.
But I was working on some beats earlier, and they were fine, when I realised, there are vibes in my music that have to come out, that have to be sorted out and if I can just start unravelling on my blog here . . . then maybe I’ll start to get there.
