I dunno. I’m still struggling with where I’m at.
I just keep pushing forward in business even though I don’t know where it’s going, I just figure the cash will help.
I get the sense I’m coming right, and I will come back to it, but then . . . there are concerns.
I read through some of my recent posts and thought I was doing a pretty valiant effort of trying to piece it together, trying to work it out.
I know it doesn’t sound much like I’ve got a lot of ideas to share about drum and bass and beats and DJing and Producing and all the rest right now, but y’know, everything is everything, it’s all part of a bigger picture.
I’ve already realised by being more real it’s helped my music,
It is for me anyway,I know this is some dear diary bullshit but I really hope one day I can look back on this shit and understand it was all part of my development.
I hope I look back on the journey realising that it was because I was dissatisfied that I chose to keep pushing. That if I’d been happy and okay with all this shit, I wouldn;t be doing this.
I know that most of the music I’ve tried to do was about trying to understand my life. I remember being 19 on a working holiday at a kiwifruit packing factory, just thinking over people and places, the nights I’d spent getting wasted with all my friends and thinking by making music it and writing was the only way I was ever going to get a chance to understand what happened, what the hell everything was all about.
But I’m still not getting it.
So what; I came back, got my own place, I went to Uni, started selling drugs, got busted, dropped out of uni, kept selling drugs, problems with gangs, then started getting more into my DJing, Data:Bass, Doin my posters, hooking up with John and starting to do gigs, Myspace, losing all my drug money doing internationals, and from their diving into my business by pushing it online.
So here I am.
Sorry about the “Story of My 20’s” shopping list, I’m just getting perspective here.
I dunno. I’ve paid my penance, well . . . maybe that’s a dumb way of looking at it. But I’ve put in the hard work to move to where I am in business.
I know I supposed to do this. I wasn’t meant to poor. I dunno if I was meant to be a great muso.
I try and convince myself that it looks as if money won’t be a huge issue for me, I gotta start writing about what I do have to sort out.
Because just like when I was at that packing line when I was 19, nothings changed. There’s stuff I’m not getting, I can’t put it together.
And right now, moving forward and creating closure with art . . . I dunno . . . time for a new post with a more artistic angle.
