God reading too much aspirational personal development shit online, will anything help me?
So anyway yeah yeah same deal with me, me and my business, and I’m too scared too break out.
Every day it’s easier to make more money, in fact it’s so easy that I’m managing to write tunes as well but I’m not going out on the prowl and such, and everything seems dry because I got no game with the ladies and no game on the scene because I’m huddled away just beavering on business and what – the 20 odd tunes I’ve worked up this year so far.
Y’know I thought I was down because I was not taking to this 30’s buzz to well. And just reading all this crap online y’know listening to other people’s motivational bullshit and self consoling, I just measure up and think, y’know a lot of people would want my life.
And they all say be grateful, look on the brightside but I just don’t feel it.
See – I – don’t want my life because I’m in despair because I don’t know if I can seriously chase the young hotts. I think that’s all it comes down to. Wait like, not even chase, I don’t have time for that.
This is what hurts and paralyses. Nothing is stopping me from going out there and gaming because I’ve done it before.I don’t doubt I look older, but y’know, I’m not balding, fat, etc., I’m still short and that’s never going to change, but I actually think I may look better older.
I can buy a nicer car and nicer clothes if I want. There is nothing stopping me.
The Romantech has to get his game together. Pretty much.
But then I get this double hit of lost opportunity, the whole reason I write this blog. This is a great story. This is great in the narrative mix for this DJ known as the Romantech.
I’m adapting my approach to my art but I feel like . . . y’know how I was saying that business came naturally but music didn’t? Well there’s other aspects of art that are aspects of the artist’s personality.
With doing Reality Compound I discovered their were other aspects to what I could do and all the performance stuff I did in school was waiting to come out again, that was art that wanted to come through too.
But then suddenly it’s years later. The RC thing . . . it’s different now. And whereas it was a clutch of wild ideas I was trying to bring together, I’m seeing the convergence and understandig how it all falls into place.
And I think the new character – or angle, or approach – I’m working on has the potential to take hold of some of these issues and create art in a more essential way.
NARRATIVE. I don’t want to barrel on about how stories create meaning, but that the Reality Compound device was all about a negotiation of reality.
That’s what made it dynamic and exciting as art for me.
Now I want to get even closer to what’s “real”. I can’t pretend I’m young. But that’s what’s appealling about my character, I think I can really encapsulate the whole winner/loser high highs/low lows narrative, which makes it so compelling.
My whole character is predicated on the fact that I am not cool. I am kind of awesome, but equally pathetic.
This is why I’m doing this on my damn blog here! Because I want to give the journey life!
What kinda stupid youtube shit would I be doing if I was already a top producer, already had the lifestyle and rolled with superfly honeys? It would be just self aggrandizing and gratuitous.
It’s so much more exciting to be the guy on the outside, and nobody knows if I’ve really got the shit to put it together.
I’m not going to stop making music, I’m not going to stop running game, I know I’ve got at least another 5 years in me so really in terms of how long I’ve been serious about music i’m only just past half way!
The problem is of course I’m desperately trying to create the motivation and it worries me. Sometimes as I said before it’s part of transition. I’ve been building my business for two years now doing little else.
Deep down I know art still wants to come out of me, but I just have to recalibrate for that. I’ve put succesful systems in place for business, now I just need to do the same for art, and it will happen.
It just worries me I’ve been on about these idas for years, just pick up and start fliming, how hard can it be?
But I have to have a contingency. And that is embracing my character for who I am.
For now and for the next few years, my character is 30ish and desperate to fulfil his dreams of being taken seriously in music and business, and after a many torrid episodes finally settles down with the woman of his dreams . . .
TO BE CONTINUED . . .
