I’m sick with it, writing on this blog.
I gotta tough it out.
All I need is to write the music and run the camera with the right ideas.
That’s what I said. Write a song for the video, write a video for the song, tie it up with a story.
Gotta get into the story, turning like a cyclone, pulling in elements.
All I need is to write the music and run the camera with the right ideas.
There’s gotta be no one to impress but myself.
That’s a more pure art. Of course you look to others for recognition that what you’re doing is significant, but you can’t depend on others in order to make progress. That’s why I was bleating about scenes and what not and the Auckland scene, but then realised, as usual, I was whining.
It’s all very well to have an ideal of a scene where artistic vibes flow and people bounce off each other in this way but it’s just more self indulgence on my part to act as if I can’t produce purer and truer art because I don’t have a bohemian cheer squad backing me up.
Is there something in particular I require? No, not really. Delivering as an actor is probably a challenge, it would be good to face that challenge with support, and in stride with others, but ultimately I’m not relying on them and in fact, I see a very crucial aspect is proving I can go it alone, and I can deliver under my own steam and under my own terms.
I think that I would do well to remember that though I’ve been committed and experienced some success in business, it doesn’t mean I can assume I’ve proved anything as an artist although in my mind the two are very much related.
The reality is closer to the fact that in the real world money can’t buy respect for your art, well not directly, or will it tend to be that straightforward.
But this is what these posts are pointing to, that I set the framing by which my art is created, and if my framing says that I need a scene to be art of, then I’m just disadvantaging myself with some excuse.
Being honest about the need to prove myself as an artist but not letting that drive me out of desperation is a step forward.
It’s so easy to make excuses, I have to do stuff like whinge on this blog or you never come face to face with the reason you use to hold yourself back from doing something.
But is is a lonely road, cold, and hard to motivate yourself to push through your doubts and deliver. Everything I ever managed to do, for the most part, I look back upon with a spark of inspiration and potential, far from perfect, but as fleeting as another step along a long path.
A long path that has taken me to here – my music a drunken being carried home slung off the shoulders of two new friends – my business and my hopes for video to become a central part of my music and the amorphous non object I describe simply as “my art”.
All I need is to write the music and run the camera with the right ideas.
Ideas are spewing out of my head, hope and doubt, I’ve just got to herd these cats and I can’t use anybody’s help right now.
But as everything falls into place, and I wait patiently to get my money right and every other element I attempt to balance so finely, I consider what I can do.
I can write my beats. I can roll the camera. And I can extend the platform, the frame in which people can see my story but without consequence; it’s just another step and as long as it feels right then little doubt it is a step in the right direction.
