So so so
In a pretty bloggy mood right now. Not that I want to write, I just have some things on my mind.
What does it all mean? It’s the way it is. I don’t make the rules, but I know it’s easier if you understand them, even if you don’t want to follow them.
Everything happens for a reason. That’s the basis of analysis, and I am consistently analytical, it’s buried in my nature. It’s the positive representation of the expression I’ve been often told – I “Think too much”.
And I’ve also analyzed that. Thinking . . . “too much.”
Thinking so much that you don’t make the right decision. That you’re worrying, and you waste too much time.
Well I guess. But let’s not forget that my brain got me here in the first place.
I’m kind of marvelling at the spirals of art and communication that are existing today. I’m texting this girl and tweeting about it while I’m blogging about how I think too much.
It’s all energy and vibes, I guess. I’m analyzing it and I guess somewhere along the line I came up with some inconsistencies or something that set me off and now all this energy is buzzing around.
And I’m thinking about this and I’m concerned about that, and then I’m not and then yeah whatever.
Often I find myself getting worked up about something, and then I kind of figure, what’s the point?
Is it worth it, am I getting any closer to what I want by investing energy into this idea?
I was thinking of becoming more pragmatic, y’know? Like, what does it matter that there’s crazy people protesting against poor people getting healthcare in the US?
What does it matter how other people bring up their kids? Do I just feel the need to discuss this because I’ve got no one I really feel I can with? Is this kind of powerlessness a product of the fact that I’m disappointed I can’t find a lot of companionship in the world, and am not that motivated to try?
Kids has been a real theme tonight. Y’know I think about myself growing up and what kids now will never experience. I grew up a hipster and I hate artless existance, I hate the idea that music and art aren’t important . . .
Well, whatever the details, I can think it through.
I don’t have to participate in anything I can’t have some kind of positive relationship with. I guess, I’m often thinking . . . too much . . . that worrying about the outcome of something I can’t really effect and often doesn’t effect me isn’t really doing me any good.
Sure okay, this isn’t right and neither is that and all you can do is draw a conclusion about the nature of the world and the universe from that and anything more is just wasted energy. Is my concern really contributing to anything? Sure it’s driven by my natural analytical curiousity but really, I’m just distancing myself from the things I truly do care about.
I think of myself as an intelligent person, why do people trouble themselves with these issues? Sure everyone has an opinion and wants it to be acknowledged, but I think it stems from powerlessness and frustration. It’s a powerless posturing to just launch into a mindset where your concern and focus is on something that doesn’t matter, and perhaps it really emanates from a personal feeling of helplessness and disempowerment.
Are my tunes up to scratch? Am I doing purposeful work with my music and where is it leading? Am I going to be better off just cutting to the chase and discontinuing to dance around the subject of dedicating myself more thoroughly to making “positive lifestyle choices”?
This is what it comes down to – what would you say to your kids?
And I thought, the most important thing is to know what you want. Why do I spend all this time relentlessly analyzing? Because I’m afraid to make the wrong choice and regret it.
What could be worse than being that powerless, soaked in regrets? All you’d be left to do is concern yourself with nonsense that doesn’t matter, and I think the evidence is all around us that to some extent, so many people just give up and channel their frustrations in this way.
That’s what I figure, if I was truly happy would I allow the fact that I lost my bankcard today to matter, rather than screaming and yelling about it and getting worked up?
But I am beginning to have some faith that something much deeper shapes my actions than my analysis – and I will analyse that again.
Deep down the sum of it all has already decided my path, that for all my concerns I won’t be pursuing romantic notions and elusive daydreams of misadventures half cocked.
I work hard on my business and my music because there is no other way for me. How can I truly grasp anything if I’m walking down the street broke and artless wishing that things could be the way I wanted.
In a perverse way the things I have done have reflected the things I’ve wanted, or, they were the best way to ensure I was progressing toward them.
How does the business and the music I have done in the last couple of years possibly set me against the things that I have wished for?
Deep down, deeper than any analysis is a deeper wisdom and knowledge that it’s got to be more than luck.
Deep down I know a guy who has no money and has no rep on the music scene will never have the things I want.
And my art is a way to grapple with and understand what I want, what ever the product of all this endless pondering will be.
And so in the spirit of continuing scrutiny and analysis, I continue to look towards analysing my latest artistic effort, the forthcoming mixtape from Soul Science, the “Dojo Inspectors”.
But first I am going to take a walk. My crash diets working out really well btw.
I guess that’s why I’m getting like this. This summer, is not the summer I spend saying “Next summer.” . . .
