Call it therapy. I should be in therapy.
Man all my posters for the upcoming gig got taken down off K rd and suddenly I didn’t feel like such a tough guy. I got so much on.
This week has been a hard one. I need an early night. What was I going to say? Don’t jinx it. Have hope.
We have some gigs coming up and I really want to step it up. But I don’t seem to be stepping up jack. It’s somewhat concerning, I just wonder if I’m ready for the big bow out. Maybe I am.
Lord knows I’ve failed in many ways in many areas, but none so great as Drum’n Bass. And that’s what makes me grow weary. I’m sick of failing in music just when I’ve got to the point where my business is starting to dominate. I hate the anxious feelings music gets me when in business I go from strength to strength.
The prize in music, the fleeting respect of a bunch of guys for the brief time in which we face each other. Money’s not all that great either with it’s own little issues but hey, y’can’t really complain you’ve got too much money.
I dunno, I feel at times that business is pointless, it’s lead down the wrong path to a place where I have money and not much else and I’m losing touch with what it means to have creativity and artistry as a central force in my life, but now I think again, business has never left me disappointed, downcast and wracked with nerves like my music has, and I’ve only been in business half as long as music.
Business comes naturally, music doesn’t. That’s the challenge.
Sometimes with music I can’t help but wonder if I just do it because it’s something I’ve always done or wether I still truly care. I know I care about the value of artistry and the importance of creativity in providing some kind of feedback loop that bring meaning to your existance, but is that drum and bass?
Is drum and bass just a scarecrow, a spectre, a demon of my past failures I long to stare down?
I feel like I want to be free of the whole damn thing. The first proper come back gig is tomorrow and I’m still thoroughly rusty, I just can’t bring myself to care right now. I’ve got other shit going on, it seem so pointless to be worried about a gig, when the benefits of these other endeavours succeeding are significant whereas what does it matter how the gig goes tomorrow?
Whether a lot of people turn up or I play a fucking miserable set what does it matter? Y’knowm the out comes a re really inconsequential, but I guess it does come abck to that thing that y’know, if you’re going to do something half arsed then whydo it at all?
It doesn’t mean I’ll stop being creative, it just means I’ll have to find something more natural to channel it into. The club isn’t my natural environment anyway, I’ve considered that enough times, it’s not that I don’t enjoy it, it’s just not a place that favours the conditions that allow me to thrive, and of course y’know I’m getting all on this . . . what am I getting on again?
I dunno, I want to do my youtube stuff. I don;t want to stop DJing, but if the only reason I’m still pursuing all this nonsense is just because of some perceived failure from my past . . . I dunno the drum and bass scene seems like fighting over so many crumbs. I see the faces of all the young pricks involved, and how they’re just stupid think young dickjeads.
Yeah I’m getting on the nu underground vibe. That’s where I’m at. If it’s not too late I’d rather do somerthing worthwhile.
There’s this party going on called “Shift” which apparently has an “illegal underground rave” room. How ridiculous. That was kind of a sign to me that this needs to be sorted. There’s an issue to be addressed. When kids who don’t even understand the concept of an illegal underground rave are celebrating it, I kind of figure this needs to be dug up again.
Any way. I am almost rebelliously stating I am not going to do jack about this gig tomorrow, I’ve got other things to worry about. My business which is making sweet money
Y’know, life should be natural. It’s natural to lay about and be
But I cast my mind back to all the nervous times I prepared for so many gigs and where are those gigs now? Who talks about the fact I used to be such a bad DJ? Who talks about the passion that drove me to continue to do these drum and bass gigs, who even recognises that the kids at these gigs have changed, that it used to be about something, now it’s . . . I don;t know, I’m not picking on drum and bass,m I was at the mall today, and I just wonder what the hell is going on.
The mianstream has devoured the counterculture whole, kids used to turn to the counter culture to give them inspiration
I just wanna do my youtube, I wanna do my youtube about my business, and the fact that sometimes I’ve made music and sometimes I’ve put on parties and it hasn;t always gone that great but hey, here I am, and I am talking about the legend of the powdered tiger penis and about the thing I won’t mention yet on this blog because I don;t want to jinx it.
Thos are places, those are things I mean, that create meaning for me, Drum and Bass is like looking onto a pit of disappointment, with dead guys I used to know down in there, dead, drowned and decayed.
I don’t want to be dragged along with this nonsense any longer if that’s the way it has to be, god damn young kids with their arrogant ideas and pose-ocracy, it’s got nothing for me but a taunting challenge, the offer of a prize I never had . . . I never knew
