end!
No wait still a few more DB’s to upload.
So.
I don’t need time and motivation, resources, pffft. I am that character. Full stop. Forget it. Either I’m the character or I’m not real. And I don’t wanna be not real, I want to be the character in the story.
In the story, it doesn’t matter if I freak out I’m getting old, but people still treat me like I’m young. That I tear into narcissistic rage, or whatever, that my tunes are maybe good but maybe not, that sometimes I write drum and bass, sometimes I don’t.
What’s with that? I dunno watch the show, we try to be creative. I should be creative.
I hope that when I have a new pad, and get through this tricky sort of reanimation of my youtube ways, or more y’know, a result beyond this stalling I’ve experienced
I want to go deep on a trip into the music. What I mean is going deep inside on a journey into it, like a trip on music. Deep into the core, deep journeys lasting hours into sound, away from the energy and vibes of routines, thats what bums the trip, some kind of routine outside the space you’ve created for this music to come forward in.
I need to find space to do that, but also realise this narrative ofa world where you’re creative and that’s not rock’n roll porn star. That’s by yourself in a room with a comp vhurning this stuff out, it’s not really glamourous but it is spiritual and monk like.
Seriously!
And I’m all like . . . well I’m old I don’t have too many chances left to chase the girls in my beamer. I don’t wanna be stuck on a 6 hour music trip. I wanna be off on an adventure that is inspiring and magical. Can’t have it all.
But I like the weird hours. All the adventures and the girls can reclaim their time, the fridays and saturdays and the date nights but my business will relinquish business hours so that I might leisurely tune in to mad creative vibes on mondays and tuesdays.
And then one day they’ll be interwoven. Creative fridays and saturdays with vibes leaping up out of laptops anywhere and magic adventure crazy and in love on a monday night.
I dunno.
Balance appears to be the answer. So hard.
I guess it’s not just going to drop outta of the sky. Experience isn’t, not acquisition but actual knowledge and intuition of such things. Hard.
Will get there, will look old, will feel like crap but, hey, will get there, and then probably fall over dead eventually.
