Romantech’s Ridiculously Indulgent New Years Resolution Post

Man sometimes I cringe when I read what I write on this blog but i just post anyway. God help me if anybody reads this. The whole point is to be able to read over it and recognise this is not what I want my art to be about, Struggle yes, and journey, sure, but not bloody me just being wantonly pathetic

Maybe I need to start critiquing my posts on my own blog, I mean I’m all for breaking out and exploring new y’know uh spaces and stuff.

Anyway. The post. Why do I publish this stuff? I hope it gets buried, or i recover my mental sanity or something.

My main resolution this year is the one I failed last year – to put girls and music before business.

That’s why I bang away at this blog, it’s like tunneling through your own ego never knowing when or where you’ll punch through to the other side. Especially recently when I started sensing how close I could be to this urban fantasy, this idea that spawned romantech, A 20 year old kid reading glossy magazines in the cafe, dreaming of being somebody hip, and cool and artistic and learned and crafting this freestyle existence that doesn’t adhere arbitrarily to some conventional, traditional idea, be young, enjoy it then trap yourself into a job and family you feel binds all your dreams as they wither.

But my other more tangible resolutions are to smoke less ciggies and attempt to refine my quantity over quality seo driven writing style.

Well I have two styles, the boring marketing SEO driven drone that I churn out grudingly for my business and the total self indulgent flights of fancy I go on on this blog.

Should my main resolution be to quit the Woody Allen act on my blog, endlessly neurotic and with the inadequate feelings and all that? Does anybody really want to read me going on about this stuff? I’m okay with it, I see it as like the olympic athlete in training. If you just want a normal life then that’s not really that challenging unless you’re an idiot, but I’m different, I’m reaching for an ideal and so inevitably I am going to feel inadequate when I compare myself to other youngish self made millionaires who have a string of stunning women on the go and have garnered recognition for their artistic expressions and statements.

Feeling inadequate is a natural product of ambition and desire. And that’s what this blog is about, ambition and expression of art, of earnest will to move forward, closer to the pure source of the fountain from which art and insight spring.

And if you’re assured by artistic recognition, you can pretty much say what you like. Making deep art and lusting after sexy young girls aren’t mutually exclusive, ostensibly or otherwise. I guess I wouldn’t really want my family to know how much I think about models, or for people who take my art as seriously as I do to be disappointed that girls and money must share my heart with that ambition to realise an artistic vision of my personal expression.

But hey. That’s me. I’m an existential guy. I could be a monk and an ascetic and I have toyed with the concept but I believe I’m closer to the source when I give in, when I let go and let my deepest nature and biological instinct determine my steps.

Is that boring for people to read about when I’m ruminating and indulgently waxing philosophically on the quest, on the call to a life of art fuelled by consumerism, hedonism?

I don’t know. Perhaps I’ll change my tune when there’s some evidence people actually read this blog, or that when I start filming properly, a new level of intermeshed art and reality will emerge where the standard of art represented by my listless whining on my blog because I’m too lazy to call that model or finish that new track will not be interesting enough to meet what I deem suitable for my audience wherever they are, which may not be on my blog.

But my blog is still a place where I can deal with my issues using the written medium, which is my thing. If people want to read about it and read about how hung up I am on becoming a wealthy, over sexed one man audio visual assembly line, then go for it.

It probably won’t impress anybody though. Y’know it’s like I said, maybe I need to take the time to think about what I can be writing that people DO want to read about.

But until then, this is MY therapy session, this is MY art, and MY feelings of woeful inadequacy, so deal with it.

So cutting down on cigarettes is a resolution, being more organised is also another resolution, I’m just the type of guy who doesn’t give a shit about being organised as long as everythings working out, which has been driven largely by this feeling of inadequacy, that by now I should be much more established in finance, romance and dance, so forget being organised as long as I keep steaming toward the mark at which I can be considered a contender.

Hmmm, I think there’s a good name for a mixtape in there somewhere – finance and romance.

Not particularly clever, but effective in communicating core romantech brand values

romance, finance, dance, and determinance?

Anyway this is supposed to be a blog about drum and bass and art and my artiness as an artist but it kind of turned into one big counselling session.

There’s probably not huge demand for a Woody Allen type figure in Drum and Bass and a more important point worth visiting at some point is that perhaps I’ve become too comfortable putting this energy into moaning and whinging on my blog when I should be just gunning for the red light – recording, actually creating, actually making steps forward in actual art instead of being a self indulgent prick.

OH OH.

Just discovered the problem with existence. You can have anything you want but not everything you want. Doesn’t life suck?

There are guys out there with all the girls, raking in mad cash, and there are guys opening up portals to vinyl singles coming straight from the centre of their entire being.

They’re all doing this, and I’m not. I just wonder how some people cope with it and don’t just drop dead on the spot.

I mean, you may feel fine with your life and for that you are truly lucky, you’re probably very down to earth and grounded and all that, while I languish in pitiful hole with only a clutch of significantly hot women’s numbers with a passing interest in me, an unfinished mixtape release project and little more than 100 grand to my name.

Alright it’s time for the new years post on the Romantech blog – gosh I was getting a bit skittish after christmas, it was just such a weird feeling moving on from this point knowing I can pretty much have anything I want. That was what was buzzing me out – it felt so weird not to have this painful longing and inadequacy driving me.

I can have anything, but maybe not everything, and the point. I think that encapsulates my concerns over the last week.

If I really wanted something I’m sure I have the resources to get it. So it becomes about being sure of what you want, of feeeling it, that was what I was talking about last week, trying to sense out a feel for what’s right to move toward.

I’m sure if I wanted to date a model I could do that, or even put out a vinyl single, and the millionaire thing well y’know I’ve kind of relaxed on that, it might take me 10 years but y’know, what’s the point of being rich and old so you basically have to pay girls to want to hang out with you? Or, y’know, the only hot girls you’ll get are those wanting to drink themselves stupid and gobble all your drugs? Silly bitches, basically?

I’d rather enjoy the lifestyle now while I’m young . . . ish. While no one’s going to raise an eyebrow when I say i’m 29. heh.

Ahh 29. The best 3 years of my life.

I was already working on my new years resolutions, since I gave up a lot of processed sugar which was incredible because my skin and weght have improved noticeably in about a month, I was kind of figuring I wanted to at least rein in the amount of ciggies I was smoking.

Little goals I can work on while I’m still undecided about where I’ll really be pushing in 2010.

I think I will be bringing the romantech style because there’s plenty of time for making money and music, and I know deep down it’s easy for me to say “I could chase hot women all night and day if I wanted to.”

it’s an easy way of not having to actually do anything to claim that you could but you choose not to.