So I’m just going about my business, anxious as hell because basically, I’m not raking in the dough like I have in recent times past, when I run out of gas, basically because I’m to stressed and anxious about my business, I’m forgetting/neglecting to put any damn gas in my BMW.
Anyway so this Tongan mum with a car full of kids stops to give me a ride to the gas station and back.
It kind of buzzes me out because, well, here I am in my gassed out black BMW, with tints and 17″ rims – out of gas simply because I’m too stressed on my business because I’m not making enough money, as in, more money than everybody else.
She has 3 kids and her whole family probably lives on what I make even in a shitty week for me like this one, and I’m allowing my perceived cash problems to dominate me completely, while she’s happy to help me when she sees me walking through a poor neighbourhood with a gas can.
It was a dickens moment where I felt like kind of dick to be the rich idiot who doesn’t have a clue. Is that the way to be? Is that the kiwi way to be, driving round self obsessing because I’m not in the top 5% of earners?
That’s what it comes down to, my priorities are messed up, at most of my anguish comes from knowing there’s a better way but it just doesn’t seem to be there for me.
I think of people who say “Money isn’t Everything” but it’s always people who wouldn’t know, and they’re judging me.
That’s the thing, people and their morals, are so hypocritical. They don’t want to see me grow as an individual, they just want to derail my confidence as I comes toot tootin by on my money train.
But it doesn’t change the fact that all that exists, it’s there, all the good stuff. Money isn’t good stuff but it sure as hell protects you from bad stuff.
I wanted to make a million dollars, I will, but y’know before I’m actually old.
While I’m young enough to still feel young.
Now I’m at least trying to teach myself to feel young now, while I still am young. Money is so dependable though, you can count it, it’s actually there. A great feeling can just disappear and it’s gone, in fact, it always does.
I guess that’s why music tries to capture moments and feelings, because they’re so hard to control and contain.
A lot of other people are accepting of their lives. I’m not very accepting of my life, I can’ really settle, I always want more.
I liked making lots of money though, it made me feel important. That’s the issue, my music is not important enough. No one cares. No one really cares about my money I guess, but realistically if you guage the effect it far outweighs music, but then I never really reached the threshhold where people were really aware of me in music or business.
But it was always about resources. Everything I want to do creatively costs money, especially where I’ve got with my music, y’know, no one will take my level of audio production values seriously, me included. It costs money to fix problems, I’ve always said that.
Money isn’t everything, but money fixes problems.
But mainly it’s time, and it’s almost as if it’s right under my nose. I just have to accept my situation and I’ll have it all, I’ll have room to rediscover lost vibes. Take my thing forward. Most of the ideas I come up with for videos don’t really cost a lot that’s part of the dynamic, the trajectory I’m trying to create with it.
What about the good stuff, what about the human touch? Well it’s obviously about dealing with myself. Maybe I need to be proud to be normal and truly understand that money isn’t everything, because when people genuinely care, it’s a wonderful thing. I don’t know, white people don’t seem to care about one another.
Hierarchies suck.
But anyway, if I can embrace my normal, and do my work and pay my bills and whatever, then maybe that has to be enough to reach for new creativity and community.
