Mean time, I’m actually living home alone, or alone house or whatever the concept of the thing is. It pretty much wants to be a fully fledged concept. Maybe it’s an opportunity to see how to launch a concept without worrying too much about production values because it’s just raw and defiant creatively, rebuking professional standards and standing alone. It’s about crisis and rawness so it fits with the theme.
Which I’m actually living. Sitting here in my house going uhh welll okay what now? So much material is off in the murky distance, in front of me is the relentless equation, explainig how it would just be so much easier if I just had the money.
It’s so easy to believe. But this is the cleansing environment of the house that I’m reduced to what I truly need outside of anyone’s influence.
I know that there’s this emptiness, but it’s enforced by me, I have allowed it to be, because I want the space to be filled by something positive. I would rather keep it empty and blank and lonely and dark then have vibes that are not in synch with where I actually want to go.
That’s just toughing it out, holding out for the best. But yeah so I’m living it, and I think the level of putting rightness needs to go deeper. It’s agonizing to wait so desperately but I sort of realise now, you can’t step forward unless you’ve got yourself together, which I’m finally learning to do.
It feels blank and empty but that’s just the acceptance that until you put your affairs in order, there’s no point. That’s what I see, maybe I won’t make stacks of cash like I hoped but for the first time in well, first time ever, I’m finally getting on top of everything.
You can’t expect to not have problems but to be able to see past things so effortlessly, that things are under control, I think that will open me right up, so I’m resisting the influence any old thing that might drift in, so that I might find something powerful to run with.
I think soon, when I get used to my environment I will begin to settle down and focus more to get my goals turning over, but really, I want to see beyond whatever fanciful hopes linger.
I think I used to want to be dashing, urban, wordly in a contemporary manner, to have a nowness about me, to impress kids, but I wonder about that, I wonder about the importance, I wonder if it’s possible to be fulfilled by the acceptance of people who are now younger than me.
Before I felt, a young in artist in Auckland, but now that’s not really there, the freshness of it that fits with playing out that role, but now it’s so different, the role is gone.
I don’t have to be an artist, it doesn’t mean anything, because I can walk away, it’s not necessary.
But that sets up a whole other dynamic. You don’t have to do it. You don’t do it to be in a magazine or impress girls.
It’s more mysterious than ever, what’s the point? That’s part of the beauty of it, mothings straightforward, it’s complex, you do it because you feel it’s the only way to make anything make sense.
There needs to be more honesty. It’s about walking the talk. I want the music and the art to be alive, to live it. Or what I mean is that, when you live it, the statement is more real, it says moe, it means more.
I know ultimately I’ll come back to knowing it’s not appropriate just to live your life to make money to tick boxes and cross stuff off your to do list.
You want to be something that’s more than that, but is being cool to a bunch of kids, that? Before it was all about being involved in the creative environment, but there is none. If there is, I welcome it, I would love to find it, and I would like to one day try.
But otherwise, it’s about the resources I have available to make whatever meaning I have to offer possible.
I want to know who to be when I go out there for it. I don’t want to go out there because I want people to like me, because it might only be disappointing. You’ve got to go out there for your self, but what is myself.
To go out there and be smug? To be tragically reflective, or to really grab that vibe of searching for gold amidst the mud and shit, that’s what it’s about, hoping it exists, searching for it, finding it and trying to hold on, watching it disappear in front of you.
That’s a story, and it’s art. And art has to be created.
I know you’ve just got to do it and get started, and the moment draws ever closer, but this time I want to be prepared.
