Didn’t I post this? Gosh, I didn’t post this earlier when I wrote it a few weeks back.
I just go on and on about this stuff. Maybe at some point I’ll finally get to a conclusion. But generally, its about the result. You either get up and try or you sit there rotting and wallowing.
I’m just riffing right now. Ideas flowing from the last few nights, not exactly brimming with joy and optimism, more reflective but hey, that’s me.
Just spent an hour looking at funny pictures on the web. I’m dying over here literally. Rotting I tell you.
I don’t wake up in dread any more, really, but kind of empty and cold. Like there’s a staleness. Life should be somehow richer.
I imagined myself married, domesticated, is that even possible?
Would I be happy? I think I’d feel happier alone than trapped. That’s what I realise. Just saddled with someone else and their issues.
I just don’t take risks. I’m happier with my calculations.
What am I afraid of?
What’s really at stake here?
Will I be old and rich and boring, will I be just sitting there sadly wishing everything was fresh, because all the adventures are lost?
Where are the risks?
I’ve been squaring it up.
Life goes on, after the thrill of living goes on goes that dinky country song. What does that mean, you reach a certain age, and it’s just no longer exciting? It’s a hundred shades of grey between the joy of growing up and growing old and just wanting to die?
And the world won’t stop.
What am I afraid of?
What’s really at stake here?
I don’t have the energy to go out and make my life interesting any more? I finally have some money, but I’m not willing to conquest for glory? It seems so sad if it’s true.
It used to be so easy to work and think if only I got a chance I could be all this and that, rolling in my beamer, cashed up DJ with a brand new joint, romanticizing my string of ladies, what happened there?
Do you not really care any more? It’s time to go and make beats and chase girls and yet you bumming around insisting on work. Because money is easy. Writing this blog is easy.
Walking out the door to seek adventure and make stories and art from it is so hard.
Sometimes I wake up and think how many dumb ideas I have at night and how I dream this shit up. Going round with my camera, god who am I? Will I get tired out and want to go home to my cosy space?
Is it just a repose I’m in now until I rediscover my own personal intentions?
That I want to seek and look into strange places? I don’t care about girlfriends and friendships and amassing a fortune I just want to have some money, and some girls, and some fun and some art to show for it.
I walk down the street and I wonder how could it be without the variables that can disrupt. That’s why I repose for now and tread carefully. Glum, and waiting for something good.
I’d rather be looking sneakily than part of the gang. Everything on my terms.
Will I get tired after an hour, run down like a battery?
That’s chemistry for you. I used to have a lot more to be depressed about, now I guess there’s always something to be anxious about if you want to be.
Puuuuurge.
The workaholic in me is on the nod.
Just one more video and we’re onto our silly videos. But I have to do my photoshoot, that’ll help me level up my brand on my sites like this one, whole new thing. What’s it all about?
Well y’know the music, and the videos. Videos and music. And the game?
I dunno it’s different now, before it was about being part of what’s happening, now I don’t care, I just want to suck the life out of it, I don’t care who or what, I just want to know about some art.
Before it was go to some cool place, be annoying, cause a ruckus, now it’s about just going to find the vibe and not really caring. That kurb guy, that DJ with the weird videos.
This is the best rut I’ve ever been in.
I wake up sure that there’s something I’m supposed to be doing. I am tomorrow I’ve gotta sort out the glam kids cd.
I remember when we went to #trainspotting all the girls got in, us guys got ID’d #underage #r18 #90s #megamegawhitething
There was this night on the Box called “Britpopping” I frickin had to go to that party so I took to my ID with a scalpel
