Video. Video. Video.
The fact that it’s so close yet so far, every week, every weekend, video to be done. Must be done.
Nothing else to be done. Photoshoot o be done. Video and photoshoot.
Then what? That’s the terrifying principal at the centre of this wicked procrastination. I don’t have to do video, or photoshoot because what will I do afterwards?
Am I seriously just going to do videos and write beats to them now? That’s me for the next 5 pr whatever years?
Filming some stuff, making a song, putting it up on youtube?
That’s me?
Is it any wonder I don’t want to do anything.
It’s like ambrozia said to me that day in Brazil cafe: “It’s too easy.”
Pretty much.
Video after video until something gives, we’re going somewhere but where? It’s a journey to the unknown. Scary.
I’m walking down the street and I think I’ve got to want it.
I’ve got to want to tell the world. I’ve got to want to do it. I can do it, now I need to find the place to do it.
I’m sure if I do it, it will grow my business even more. I can have everything I’ve always wanted. So close yet so far.
I’m vain. I care if I look like a dick. I want to make it look good, I want it to be good. It’s safer to sit my nest and horde my cash than it is to be dangerous and make art that nobody cares about.
That’s where as a true artist you have to be bold. I’m shooting up like a cash junkie, satisfied lying in my filth because I’m scared people will say I’m no good. No wait, I WILL be no good.
If I put something shitty up there, then I have to put something good up or I look like a dick.
I want to be involved, I want to participate and do my art, and so I do these dumb videos with some music I made in them, I’ve got to videos before I can go back to doing proper music, I understand that now.
This video thing is serious. I’m worked up about it. I’m in a state. A tizz.
Video.
Auckland’s Most Wanted, Last Transmisson, Home Alone
Kurb and Reality Compound.
What after all of that? It could take months 6, 9, 12 months of video after video, week after week to get critical mass that people start going . . . ohhhhh that guy . . .
I’ll be back on my tunes by then. But something will crack. Then what? I’m an artist. I want to go to cool parties but I don’t really want to be adored, I’m over that celebrity shit, I’m cool if there’s 100 people who think my blog and my videos are awesome and that’s about it. If I can put on a show and have 100 people come, then that’s all good.
If I can charge $500 to a promoter knowing that 100 people will come, then that would be awesome.
If 1000 people joined my newsletter, 1000 crazy post modern existentialist dj marketing dudes, some who bought stuff and I made $100 from that and $100 from ads well then what?
I’d have money to be able to get nicer camera gear and better editing done etc. I’d probably be already marketing it at that stage. Getting people on the newsletter.
Then what? Hopefully get booked to play around more, and do more stuff with new characters. Adventures of the Nice Young Ladies, that way I become the secondary character.
Well what are the limits? What if I get a track signed? Oh well, cool. Collabs would be cool. What if somebody wants to put money into a future project? Cool. I’d try and get as much creative control as possible.
I could be a secondary character in RC and in NYL and develop a feature or tv format. What if I got $100,000 an episode? Well their would need to be hot young kids in the show, I would just have to be the insane catalyst. There’d be NYL and I’m sure I could find new weird kids to be in RC. I could do weird stuff, and I could find proteges also capable of weird stuff. Oh and we could crash parties and have weird celebrity appearances so yeah.
We’d have to get really extras on it. But again we’d have the Kurb TV angle – promoting sponsors and local talent, but in a messed up way, and celebrities and pop culture too. I think we’d have it.
We’d go on tour with some acts and we’d get footage there.
I’m on tour, shooting a mock reality show with muso’s and models and weird kids, getting paid by the gig, paid by the episode, my promo business is going, my agency is going my service points are open . . . living the dream!
Well I don’t know what to make of it all really, what was on my shopping list again?
Now
LED light
Mics
Sofa bed
Iphone
Mastering Kitty
Website Kitty
Later:
Audi
Rolex
It’s not really much is it? I sensed this coming, reaching a point where money seems a bit redundant because I’m not sure what to do with it.
Most of things I want now don’t involve money, except unfortunately I just stuck in the mindset. The rewards centre in my brain responds to money and I like it. If I’m making money, I feel good. If I’m partying and chasing girls and making a new track or doing something new for the record like a video . . . I just cling to money as a way to justify and count everything. It’s so deeply rooted.
So what’s the plan? I guess if I can work out everything I need, then I’ll know how much money I need and then I can take it from there.
Where do I take it? Well then I need less money, and I need to worry less if I’m not making money. Do something else.
This is why I’m happy to lie to myself about how much I have because I hope it will make me relax about it.
Just money, sheesh. At least I got one thing right.
