The Reign of Confusion and Elliot Rodger

by Matt Romantech on May 27, 2014

I Just been getting so confused – different areas of my life are in transition and are active at the same time. It’s harder than I thought to manage.

I need to get it together, I need my writing to bring my thoughts together so that I can take action rather than drifting. I’m still not dealing with the confusion I’m experiencing, and now, I seem to have become obsessed with this Elliot Rodger guy, the sad little virgin who killed 6 people recently. Just seeing how pathetic this guy is and feeling confronted by seeing tiny shades of myself, how I’ve been in the past, in him.

It’s a very hard thing to admit since he is so pathetic and a psychopath, but I had to try and understand my emotions. Even the same introverted self dialogue, I suddenly feel guilty and ashamed of my association with him for sharing these traits.

But it started with the weekend, where I still am not managing to feel like I’m doing much. So distracted, so muddled by angled thoughts in money, girls and art. Something is happening, but we’re not sure what, and not very much, not enough to make a difference.

Where does the time go? I try to work backwards. I had to do my radio mix and felt shitty about it. I don’t understand why it takes 4 hours or more to do a 1 hour mix. Stripper girl was listening. I’m so damn old that it never occurs to me girls are impressed I’m not just some dude, some jobsbody.

But I did manage to do my facebook, and I am actually back into it. I jumped on star now to talk to the girls there, so we kind of made some progress, I even worked on a song last night. And then what?

I’m not so intimidated by facebook right now. In fact I like it. Until you see lots of glamourous drum and bass people having better lives than you as established producers and cool people . . .

But I still want to do that article about facebook image crafting and fomo and envy as part of my thing. We have to have some faith that what was real yesterday is still real today. We resurrect our social media. We build our connections.

I still want to do things as part of my commitment to doing things. I had this idea yesterday that doing things was good. Now I don’t know.

Why am I still getting so confused? Because there’s work to do. We have enough money but we want just a bit more just to be sure. We have enough girls, but we want better ones. We are doing art but we experience frustration its not really happening.

What do we really want to achieve? What does my brain seem to want? To chase more girls. To diddle and doodle all the day on my tunes, videos, etc. sometimes I feel like I’m not mustering the purpose. I mess around a lot and I’m confused and I can’t focus. Because money, girls, art, it’s all in transition I can’t tell whether things are going well or not, am I getting better, am I getting there, or am I about to see it all fail? What am I supposed to be doing?

This is the essence of employing tactics as part of a strategy, of which I appear to be bereft.

I try to get some work done, I try to organise some girls, I try to get online and do some organising of promo, I try to think about my videos, I could have done shadows tonight. Any night. But I know it doesn’t matter. What does matter?

That I am able to do this so that I may then do that?

Well yes. We know that goofing off for music videos hasn’t worked. The whole idea of new beats is too begin to go so deep into this drum and bass that the video is in the raw vibe of it, we need the rawest vibe to tell the story. The realness.

Be real. Tell them that this is real, that I can’t do my music unless I have girls and I’m in video because I want to see, I want to make it real. This is my reality and in years to come it will still be alive. 100 hits, a 1000, a 100,000. It will be there. This is life I don’t want to rot.

See now we’re getting to the vital energy, we’re breaking it down and breaking through, goofy ass music videos isn’t it. We’re getting raw. New beats is about the rawest aspect of simply being me, we get abstract, abstract reality. Gonzo, making it up out of scraps, stories, that paint the picture of why I got to do music, why I can’t why I gotta write a blog, because the music isn’t real.

I need to get inside it. I have to make a video about making a video, I say, film me getting out of bed, and I’m depressed, because im always depressed, and then the powermaster appears because he has the power. He knows he has the power, and he wants you to have the power to in just 6 days using his easy to follow series of recordings and speeches.

I am the powermaster you are the powermaster, so in that way it’s really about the battle within ourselves.

***

This Elliot Rodger thing has been driving up the wall, this guy has really got to me. I can be so undisciplined, I just drift into this space, obsessively reading about this sad loser, I can only conclude I have been given powerful messages here.

After telling myself repeatedly that I’m lucky not to be this guy, and feeling proud of my long fights in various times in my life to overcome being a sad loser, and how maybe I could help young guys like this who felt this way to feel positive and turn this mind rot around, it only hit me that he just reminded me a little too much of myself.

And De Botton says, the best way to recognise a flaw is to see it playing out in someone else to the extreme.

I skim read his little manifesto biography, I was just drawn in because of how self indulgent it all was, and this completely reminded me of this role I play here, writing endlessly, self indulgently, and that when I was 14 or 15 I was very similar to him, many of the things he described I recognised immediately, the dread and despair of being ostracized.

But also in the writing, as the dramas unfolded feeling his humiliation and loneliness, empathizing with those feelings of being alienated because you’re smaller and more intelligent than your peers, and of course how it tumbles into the same toxic mind states that he went into. He even drives a similar car.

So many horrible moments recognising his behaviour as extreme versions of sentiments I’d often felt, that total pedestal placement of the beautiful girl, I spent years, well into my 20’s of believing beautiful young girls were magical creatures. I was never as bad as this guy, his entitlement and sentimental self pitying is gross. Sitting and listening to him ask why he cant have a beautiful girlfriend is pathetic, he won’t answer his own question and do something about it.

It’s made me a bit jumpy and self conscious, despite the fact im dating two reasonably cute girls. A lot of bad memories, him describing college, listening to other people fuck in the next room, it was hard, thinking that at times in my life I thought like him, I behaved like him, scared of the world.

This stuff has really disarmed me, yet I know at my core I am a stronger person and these emotions always renew my efforts to do better. But I have just been so affected, even reading back on what I have written earlier in this post about my fear of facebook, it echoes that say unwillingness to be confronted by the fact that others are having envy inducing experiences.

I drift because I am privileged like this little asshole, I don’t have to work hard and so I don’t – I just ponder like a sad fool. But I am coming around the bend realising I need to spell out action I can take to avoid being this way, I’m being harsh because I now sense and understand my morbid fascination with this guy.

I don’t want to be this guy. But I’m not some child wishing on some fantasy to become a superhero.

Because I don’t need to fuck models. I have different girls right now. I don’t care if theyre super hot or not. I like to feel romance and adventure in the city. If theyre hot and have nice figures, that is brilliant. But I’m not concerned with that bullshit getting in the way of my ability to have an authentic experience.

Yesterday I was hit by the waves of angry feminists lashing out on the net, it was only on day 2 that I became absorbed by this guys story to the point I have spent my whole day reading it. But before it dawned on me that the reason I was being drawn in was the similarities that jarred me, I had a feeling there of relief, I don’t need to fuck models. I’m learning that men everywhere are going through this kind of anguish and if you can’t turn your life into something meaningful that you can appreciate without relying on women, who are you really and what do you want?

What kind of artist, poet, master of the universe, might you be if you can only enjoy it if youre in a relationship with a hot chick?

I’m not denying that it isn’t the best thing there is. It’s just, high stakes, you rob yourself, yknow, I’ve had joy, running around in the night making booty calls on fat chicks. It’s a bit of fun and no harm is done.

It feels suddenly important to cherish money and cherish lovers and friends and cherish art, that’s the healthy way of seeing all this. Not fearful of the fact that we are all pre-disposed to bratty indulgence like this little twerp, but he shows us what happens when you don’t value what you do, and you don’t value people, and you don’t value expressing yourself in a healthy way.

Having finally finished, having spent 12 hours reading this rubbish, it makes me realise, this thing about girls. Chase them. It’s healthy. Strike out. Get rejected by some, and dump others. It’s life. Not being neurotic and full of dark thoughts, living in a dark world.

We try to convince ourselves that we will be okay. I think it’s time to just start being okay.

What this guy shows also is that what women love more than anything is personality, spirit, character. How ugly is his flawed character, it is repulsive.

One of the girls I’m sleeping with at the moment, she tells me about the loser guys she interacts with and how sad they are, and how she feels sorry for them. Yes it feeds my ego with an unhealthy snacks, that I am superior to these guys, but it casts in plain terms the difference between the winners in life and the losers. Go out there and be unrepentant. I certainly owe her no loyalty outside of the respect she is due as a short term lover.

I wrote a more tidy proper blog post on elliot rodger here.

I feel like right now, 2000 words later, it’s time to put this away and focus on my own life, that is what the point of all this is, why I stayed up until 5am dwelling on such a thing.

I have to get on with my own life and make my own choices that allow me to flourish and thrive, dwelling on this darkness can’t give me what I need to turn away from these dark aspects that haunt our lives and secure something better.

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