The Pendulum

by Matt Romantech on July 25, 2017

Well here I am.

I am sitting here at the farm but I am reliving a passing emotion of angst to find my dad has been organising things.

I just am feeling quite . . . emotional isn’t the word. Overwrought isn’t the word. Wrought.

1.
(of metals) beaten out or shaped by hammering.
2.
made or fashioned in the specified way.

I mean, it’s all happening, I was a bit miffed my dad was still here, because I really felt that I need my own time to settle, and just have my own space. But then I kind of got over it and I was moving things around, and yakking about this and that and here I am, my office is pretty much set up, I still will need to look into it, but then y’know I was feeling so good, here I am.

But I had my rash, I’m getting on top of it but this is what I’m driving at. I’m all worked up emotionally, it’s all happening and it’s all the emotions are coming through the tube so thickly I don’t really know how to react. Am I supposed to be happy now?

I know my rash is all reacting to my heightened emotional state, I’m agitated.

I don’t know how I found more stuff in the trash but pretty soon I found way more stuff my dad threw out, just stupid little things and knick knacks but again, I went to all the effort to make sure everything was in the boxes together.

My whole effort has been to try and hold all this shit together, not specifically for my mother or the sake of her memory but for the sake of culture and tradition. I am somebody, I come from somewhere, I come from something.

Just like a hot chick doesn’t need to say anything, nor do I either want to say anything, it is simply so evident I am not from an essence or a tradition that is nothing. I want the rich layers to be preserved, not for my mother’s sake, but for me to give my own take.

I had my own take, and now that feels fucked with, but the point I’m really driving at is that I am surfing waves of emotion, one minute I’m scritching and scratching, the next I’m freaking out over this stuff . . .

Oh great, now here’s the rat! First night here and the rat is scratching on the door at me, just as I feared. It’s one of those ones. I’ve conjured up this rat, I’ve drawn it to me by sheer force of my emotions.

For some reason I ended up thinking of sam petersen . . . I guess I was enjoying this room, and thinking how I always had one big room and never had 2 rooms, and I thought of cardigan street, and just it all came back to me. Another dude who just fully victimized me. I’m going to have to find him too, basically he went mental and started telling everyone I was trying to control his thoughts or attack him mentally. I was like . . . 20? 21? Again these people . . .

Again, these emotions flooding over me. I seem to be resisting . . .

I go to hit my dad up and he just gives me utter attitude and I am so fucked off. He can be like that, but that’s no excuse, now I have to tell him to fuck off and hit the road, he’s made me feel like utter shit. I don’t need this shit, I don’t need some asshole giving me shit.

But the point still stands.

I seem to be doing everything I can right now not to enjoy the moment.

Sure, I need to tell my dad to get going so he knows how much his attitude has bummed me out, when he’s just acting out. He did something, I didn’t like it, I tried to tell him that, he got an attitude. The whole thing I’m pissed off about is that on my first night, the night, the very moment where I’m supposed to feel like it’s getting better, I am being given bullshit over nothing.

I am just searching for that feeling, I know it’s there.

***

When I woke up of course I wasn’t so angry.

The pendulum keeps swinging you see, I’m excitable like a little kid. One minute angry, the next, I’m thinking about something else, it is good to have the mind of a child in such ways.

I’m too focused on moving ahead with this momentum to bother getting worked up when it is all the same emotion, I am worked up, I am excited, not on the surface, but deeper, the anchor of my soul is being hauled up, I am ready to start moving and I need to keep my emotions in check, I can’t afford to lose focus.

Girls usually have a good cry – I don’t have that ability to just unload the emotional excess like that.

I need to get back on my meditation and training basically to focus.

I’m doing my meditation, I’m organising my stuff I trying to keep it on the track.

***

I seem to remain in this space where I’m not getting active about what I need to do, but I am very happy that my house is organised, I seem to be clinging to the moment now that I am experiencing it. I fought so hard for so long for this and it’s a shame that I can’t really savour it.

Well the reality is this has been my worst trading day this year, I have taken a massive $10k hit, because I let my hedges fall away and I have been plastered on my USD positions that had no hedge. Euro, Cad and Aussie crosses no hedge, and I’m getting hammered. I have had to learn the hard lesson about letting hedges fall away at this level.

I have to cling on to something. I am making a lot of money, but I know deep down I’m making it the wrong way, I’m losing too much on the other side to be proud of my efforts.

What I can say is even though I know this will confine me for a while, it’s as I said when I took this risk, if I get caught, if I get stuck, at least I will be at a level I am happy to maintain, I am making $6k a week now, and even if I can’t move forward, it doesn’t frustrate me because we know the pattern, we know how you hold the line at one level for months, then one day it simply just rips free and you go storming to the next level.

If I’m maintaining at $6k for the next few months, I am ready to see it rip hard to $10k+ later in the year, just as I’ve seen it happening before. We just have to hold the line for however long it takes.

If I am making $6k p/week now which is the the bottom end of my end of year prediction, I am clearly well on pace, and can afford to continue to let the thing blow off.

***

I decided to get active – I decided that even though my house was organised, and my money was looking better than I thought, I still needed to move on my accom for amsterdam, I need to work it out. I started on airbnb and realised how much I needed to do to sort that out. It quickly dawned on me that somehow I had messed this up and it was going to cost me money to stay in amsterdam.

I needed to come up with a plan fast. I thought I would book a budget single room – all the airbnb’s are $100+ now and none are near the city. Why not just get a room near the city and have everything easy?

But then I realised even the rooms were all well over $300 for 3 nights too, I mean, I budgeted $75 p/night for the first part of my trip . . . and I do have a few grand more than I thought I would, making sure the beginning of your trip is smooth seems like a good thing to spend a bit of extra money on.

But it comes down to connecting it all up, how am I leaving amsterdam, from where? Well well now. Once again, options are limited because the window has started tightening.

I just went man, on the thursday I can just catch a bus straight to copenhagen for $80 and it will be 12 hours, but it arrives at 9.30 in copenhagen and so I will inevitably have to get some sleep. It will probably be a ratty sleep, but that’s the game. 3 nice nights in amsterdam, followed by a rough night on the bus, followed by 3 nice nights in copenhagen. It seems a lot simpler when I don’t have to fuck about in hamburg and I still keep my costs down to $700 plus food, which is pretty good given this is supposed to be pricey.

I need a decent list of why I am going to auckland – what are my priorities

obviously if I get all this done and head back on friday, it will be victory.

The data recovery won’t be til next week. The jobs I need to go at tomorrow and the reality is, well I will just have to take cash off my card again. I am waiting for the scans I get tomorrow to unlock my paypal and pay for my domain names.

I have booked the bus and vaulted straight into sorting out my amsterdam accom. I don’t know if I narrowly escaped or these conditions aren’t unusual – as it turns out, there isn’t much on offer at a different time of year – there just isn’t much in the centre of amsterdam, and there’s nothing under $80, I don’t know what I was thinking.

The facts are my hotels are pretty cheap and close to town compared to the airbnb options – if you want to pay $80 a night, you get a caravan or a boat 10km out of town.

Copenhagen and Stockholm are not looking good in this way for hotels and you need the airbnb. You have to do it anyway, so deal with it.

***

Day 2, I am smashing it up again although I have completely lost my keys which enraged me, a lot is going on, there was a move in the AUD that started slaughtering me, I grabbed the big $600 money on the AUDNZD, and then it reversed, perfect move. I am now on $5600 for the week, I can’t see us missing $6600 and making it not just our biggest week but 2 weeks of $6k on the trot.

That is putting out a big call that we will smash $10k this year. It’s telling me the move up could be on right now, and if that’s the case, then the utter spanking I got on tuesday seems to make sense and I will ride it out, because it’s already started moving up without me pushing it.

But more importantly I got my last $700 from the other client, got the magic bullet mini-juicer, I got my paypal unlocked and was able to pay off my domains, I moved onto the insurance which although was not a nice price, I realised it would not have to be paid for until I left.

it means I had about $2k unlocked today and all I have to pay for now is the data recovery, wireless speaker,and my bookings and that’s it. I booked the baltic ferry, so it’s back to my list I need to

Now it’s finally coming to a head. I need $300 to pay for copenhagen, and I can’t pay by paypal. I can’t unlock that last grand and well . . .

I saw it, I had to give it up. Fighting for $600 when it was beginning to jeopardize my trip was stupid, I already need to get used to the idea that

But that’s okay because I have locked in copenhagen, and lined up a sweet spot for stockholm too.

$1160 down for travel costs and that’s 10 days. $116 is over budget but this is the most expensive part of my trip. They are also all the longest journeys that aren’t by plane, all my other trips are only a few hours tops, all the longest and most expensive journeys are in the beginning, and they’re the closest together, I have at least 4 days everywhere after helsinki other than through ukraine.

You’ll see that certain cities are expensive simply because they are well travelled. I’m going to know this now.

We can tackle all our bookings down at the farm. Next comes the music.

It does seem like airbnb has lost a bit of it’s vibe. But I keep remembering, it won’t be long until these costs become meaningless.

***

I don’t know if I said anything, I must have written something but lost the update – but I was bowled so hard I had no choice but to go to action.

First I discovered, yes that I had taken in the wrong hard drive and I do remember writing here about how I could see that I was lucky I found out before I left and not on wednesday.

But then the . . .

Oh damn, now I remember everything I lost, I will have to recap.

You see now my main computer has blown up, I was just moving through my whole priorities for reengaging with the content.

I realised I had to pick up the strands of content based on our original “items” – the master to-do list.

The songs, the videos, what we’re working on now, that was all on my main computer, and now that’s blown up, I can’t even find an reentry point – I just wanted to do second chances and override protocol but those are the songs I was last working on, those are the songs that I now can’t move forward with until I get the recovery.

The good news now is that that shouldn’t be a problem, and obviously I will have to go back to auckland to deal with it.

I will have no main computer now, so my set up is my set up, I need to get all my audio and video programs onto this laptop. I had to do that anyway but now I don’t have the luxury of doing it while I do my archive work at the same time.

Once again we can buy fruityloops for $50. We can do it right now. Samplitude, but now I’m wondering how to record DJ mixes . . . use 2 laptops . . . no wait.

The speaker is bluetooth, it doesn’t need to be plugged in. So that means you can do it all on one computer, you will be recording into samplitude while doing the mix in serato. The speakers are playing the mix through the jack. Though I would do it with two.

Premiere we have around here, ready to go. I need mpegconverter.

Fruityloops
Samplitude
premiere
mpegconverter

That may be it. Maybe something to capture youtube.

Photoshop, well, we can try and install the old version separate from the rest. The facts are, everything we need, we can get, and installing the software and recording a mix could be my mission now.

Except I can’t hear the mix, no bluetooth yet.

Samplitude is done, photoshop I’m working on

fruityloops, it appears is about NZD$150, premiere, I just need to find premiere, which I have, and now realise I have photoshop as well and what I’m doing installing CS4 on this computer is kind of dumb.

Hopefully it doesn’t fuck up the premiere and photoshop installs.

It seems to come down to whether I should buy fruityloops and given that it’s only $10 more if you buy the baby version, and then upgrade, I should do it.

Yes you can use it on multiple computers, I would only need it on 2, I would never ping their breach detection.

You see I still want to run a desktop, in place of the one that’s blown up, and all this software can now go on there as well.

If I can say I only need to spend $150 on fruity to be up to spec, what then?

Well now you are ready to do music, video, art and web.

And can I easily get all this again? Other than sequoia the rest is all like $300. It’s not long that $300 would be meaningless in the bigger picture. Of course it is the content that matters.

CS4 I don’t really use that much, it’s only there now for dreamweaver and so I at least have entry level access to the range of adobe platforms. It will do.

Now I just have to populate the content, the songs I need to do, the videos.

It all maps back to the items list. noob eats, the archive vids, the tour vids, the kurb dvd archive.

The songs now, the songs after, and the songs after that.

We need all the songs so we can see them. We need to see noob eats so we can finish it. Then I have a 3 pronged task that I can simply get stuck into.

Once the other hard drive is recovered I can start bubbling on them all. All the songs. All the videos, we are closing in.

You’ll snap back to it.

I was angry that it wasn’t working out and I was getting slammed again, but I knew deep down, none of my data is in danger.

If you had that speaker and all up to estonia booked you’d be running out of things to do.

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