Bangkok Blues

by Matt Romantech on October 25, 2017

Yesterday was very emotional, when I got stung in Odessa, I wasn’t nearly as tired and worn out, so basically it was a bit of a thrashing struggle that I played out here on my blog as I sat tired and sweaty – emotionally and physically worn out, in the back room of the hotel lobby.

I was just smashing that tinder because it dragged my mind away from the shitty way I felt, I was so sweaty, so tired, so disappointed, but also irrationally hard on myself, I didn’t know that it wasn’t my mistake or that there wasn’t anyway I could have been on that bus, I felt somehow it was my stupidity – that if I’d checked my messages on gmail rather than the email app, maybe I’d be on the bus.

SO tindering away, matching with girls, I don’t know what I’ve already mentioned, I was matching with all these girls and I was going to organise a date with this girl who seemed cool but now I just . . .

I don’t feel like it, I just felt so shitty at the time that female attention, getting a win with a girl seemed like a nice distraction even though I was sitting there thinking it was mad, you know that you feel for darya, but I was reasoning that it’s better to chase other girls as a hedge, an emotional hedge, investing into one girl you’re not even fucking is poor risk management, I reasoned, it was better for my connection with darya to have other girls I’m chasing so it doesn’t become too much too soon.

I saw the chance to meet these thai girls as somehow balancing against the loss I’d taken on angkor wat, but now I see, it’s so much like the whole trip, it’s not about the winning or the rewards, it was voyage of discovery, not a voyage of conquest, the conquest comes next time, and now, just like in kiev, I have to accept I came prepared to learn, next time I come prepared with strategies.

I return home, I feel the need to return home to work on my strategy.

I could line up some dates but now I realise, I realised the moment it became on with this girl – all my clothes stink, my hair is not good, this is something I’ve been realising all along, you can’t make serious moves on girls when your hair is shitty. Remember with darya, you went and bought a pair of scissors.

Now I realise, you can’t have bad hair, it’s not the tip to be on, and clothes that stink – what’s more, I’d have to wear shorts to a DATE??!! I need to strategise around this, which means being able to get organised for a date when I’m in these places. Not to mention all the money bullshit that was being raked over, that with these dates I always have to mind the money, it’s all wrong, you can’t let girls get a whiff of the idea you’re worried about money.

There was a banging thicc babe I was chatting to on tinder who was a little gold digger, with money in my pocket I’d be moving on her hard, just the sort of chick I’d like here in thailand, thicc – by thai standards – it would be on, if I wasn’t uptight about cash right now.

In thailand it would be so awesome because I wouldn’t fall for these chicks like I would in ukraine, it’s such low investment, a bangin little gold digger is throwaway to me, you’d never touch what I feel for darya, I know what I want, so it’s just fun because the stakes aren’t high.

That’s what I just connected with about bangkok, yesterday, that I wouldn’t have realised, that in bangkok it would be so so easy to have a string of nice little honeys going all at once, and every time you come back you might pick one or two up again, knowing that this is the problem with the west that has come to bangkok – honey, find yourself a good man, like my sweet darya has been aiming for. Don’t be fucking some western dude who shows up and fucks off again, you do that too many times and these poor girls get their hearts used up.

Look at hayley, I just thought of her, with her young boyfriend, I’m a year older than her, she’s a celebrity “it” girl but she’s all used up inside by it, everything from the fame to fucking all the guys I used to hang out with.

I used to be all feminist and believe that judging a woman for the amount of sexual partners she’s had was wrong, but it’s not about how many dicks she’s taken, it’s what the dicks take away from her. Look at gemma, she said she used to be promiscuous, but she was sad, oh how her vibrator set her free from all the heartbreak, by the time she got to me, it was too late. Too many dicks, had shrivelled up her soul until deep down she was no longer the nice person she was pretending to be, she was just another version of a sad white person like I could easily be, like so many people are, grasping for it all, clutching on, and left with nothing behind a bunch of bullshit projections of themselves.

Gemma is such a good example, only if only she had done what darya is quite obviously doing, selling herself as a housewife to a man of quality, instead of riding dicks all over the place. A girl who looked like gemma did when she was darya’s age could have hundred guys chasing her in auckland, and don’t the girls who look like darya in auckland trade it all in for a bunch of dicks from a bunch of assholes who don’t give a fuck – in fact, that’s all they give.

It’s not gemma and hayley’s fault, they just wanted to be happy and were given the idea that a bunch of dicks would do it. they deserved those dicks, they deserved to be happy, they were good people.

But that’s not how the world works. Women were designed for man of quality who beat the other men to win her as their prize, so that they could both share the joy of reproducing, the whole joy not just the part where they bone.

I have fought so hard to win my darya from day one, and darya works hard to make sure that she can get her man while the moment still exists for her, and to take the opportunity she sees that that creates, I’m sure she’s had boyfriends, I’m sure she must of boned them a whole bunch of times, but whatever has led her to me has made her consider what she really wants, and it’s probably not to stay in minsk and marry some guy who doesn’t bring valuable qualities to the table.

Again being on tinder, and complaining about the weather suggest she is motivated to get the hell out.

For these girls, just the fact that I am there

Again and again, the thing about minsk is that dudes don’t just go there. Dudes go to budapest. Dudes even go to Kiev because they know about the girls. But minsk they don’t go there except for those other guys I saw in the restaurant, guys do go there, but it’s not the same as kiev. The girls aren’t all tarted up like in kiev, and there’s no sell on minsk as a place to meet girls in fact, the visa restrictions in minsk are the same for everybody, in ukraine NZ + australia get a hard time.

But minsk isn’t as cheap as kiev.

I got distracted.

The point I was making was that just as I realised at the back of my mind when I was tindering that this wasn’t what I really wanted, I realise now that I’m not ready to be engaged with this – I take the knowledge that’s available about bangkok girls and that scene, but I accept that I can’t do much with it now, I’m too wrapped up in the bigger picture, I’m going home, and it’s time to reassemble the plan.

When I come back to bangkok I’m coming back with a plan.

Zoom out again, and you see what it is. Girls. You have to have your style right, your game right, your head screwed on, or it’s not going to work. I’m not going to score one of these girls right now, it’s not leading to anything, the information that’s valuable has already been gained, and it doesn’t really relate in any case as to whether it’s some consolation in regards to missing on angkor wat.

You want to travel, mainly for girls.

But also because you know when you come back, you’re no longer primarily a tourist, you can focus on your routines, and getting organised in other areas, you can focus on other things you’re trying to achieve.

What are they? The fact you have to sit on your trading, but let’s pick up on the money themes.

I was thrashing it out yesterday.

I just couldn’t deal with the fact that I can’t sustain the level of travelling I want to do without my trading working or digging into my savings

I was really looking for focus but I was just messed up and was never going to find it, so I just kept smashing the factuals and breakdowns.

The thing was there was a theme arising, there was this idea that is I can freelance for $200 a week, then relying on my savings and trading to fill in another $10k or so until my trading was really doing the business for me, surely in 18 months we must get some progress.

The new hotel actually had a much cooler lobby and a nicer but smaller room.

After a big sleep I knew I would be able to get my head together – the problem I had was I kept realising I needed $200 a week from another source, but I was just to messed up in the head to see what that could be.

My ideas so far have been about consultancy, services and writing. I been trying to tie the threads together and it occurred to me maybe I could get some work hanging around in estonia.

It feels like I need to keep bashing on these priorities until it’s clear what I’m trying to do.

I need to be where the girls are because I need everything to play out, I can’t be sitting on that farm wondering how things could be, or like I am here now, in a contorted state without a plan.

It comes back to prague, the way I saw that I need a new plan to come at this with, and that’s what connects with what I’m doing right now, trying to construct a new plan, with new ideas.

But let’s work back the other way now.

Tethering my phone has made a massive breakthrough on my trading and made it obvious now what I’ve been missing – that I couldn’t concentrate on my trading and was unable to stop the damage that’s been done and manage the situation, now I am seeing how it’s all different when I sit down and I’m focused.

But now I’ve learnt how to make the platform actually work for me, I realised the wifi was fucked all this time, even when it was the ethernet, but suddenly now, now it works. Incredible. I didn’t think this could be possible, and it gives me such confidence – except I’m being pounded on again – but it’s not that bad, I mean I’m pushed on the NZD still but it’s more irritating, it begins to give me some hope that a line has been crossed – I am not so foolish as to load my margin up like I did, and it has pushed me again and again, to a point where it would have to do something so extreme to beat me.

When I write about my trading, I want to check my trading, and now that I’m not having these frustrations I’ve had for years that have robbed me of maybe an hour or two each day, it’s no longer turning over that quickly.

I’ve become really frustrated by these flea bites I’ve gotten from this hotel, I nodded off and low and behold trouble from the turkish once again. Everything is so tightly hedged now, but the turkish and kiwi giving me trouble, both with $150k gaps, a 2% move down in both would only cost $6k but then we’re back in the badlands with our credit card out.

Okay here are our final numbers we smashed out. Remember how long do you really want to be away from home?

Well it’s the moving around that is costly and exhausting.

travel $2750, duration 26 weeks. $5200 costs, given $100+ freelancing, total $8k – $3k savings, is $5k.

darya’s costs, $750 travel tallin+belgrade, trading could cover some of that, here’s the point again and again, if it got to the point you were spending weeks with darya, you could drop $5k.

so you’ve got to make $100 p/week freelancing, dip $3k into your savings, and still find $5k?

well if you grew and sold a pound of weed, that would do it. Or you’re hoping to draw $200p/week from your trading, or anyway you can save $200 a week before you leave again.

For every week you cut off, that’s $300 less you need. If we looked to slash $50 off accom but going more budget if we had to, that’s $1300 – we could save $2k by going budget and coming and making it a 22 week trip.

I think you’re going to have to face the fact you can’t come back until well into april.

***

It was another bit of a hairy night with these itchy bites and the turkish and NZD both giving me jip.

It was even making it hard to sleep, and so tired of years of this. But when I awoke, another decent reversal allowing me to live and breathe.

As I was going to sleep I felt certain I could find 10 hours freelancing work a week for US$15 p/hr, that’s $210 bucks. Maybe not every week, but I’d get it to work.

And with this trading reversal today, I have hope that when I get back to $50k, I will be hedged so much better, I can afford to grab $1-200 down if I need to. I think it’s going to be okay, even if the ECB meeting does happen while I’m on the plane and EURUSD hits 1.20 again, after this morning, it won’t be a drama, and it’s only those damn turkish creating the issues now, but it’s just dropped so far over the years.

It’s taken 3 years to drop 30%+ how long would it take to drop another 10% as unbelievable as that could be?

That still wouldn’t kill me even without adding funds.

All up, I feel like it just might be possible for me to do it. No doubt there will be more times of doubt, but it’s as I’ve kept saying the more I get pushed out, the closer I get to a place where it will never happen again and I am safe forever.

Soon AUDNZD will fall into a much nicer range that I can work and my plan will come back.

***

But if my food is $100 in NZ I’m sure I could cut down on treats and make it $75 overseas, and get accom down to $25p/night by choosing budget accom where I have to – as in, single room with a bathroom in a hostel or something.

And just get a nice place if a girl becomes involved or darya is coming.

22 weeks x $250 = $5500
travel = $2750

earnings = $4400
savings = $3k

shortfall (trading/earned savings) = $850

This seems doable, because even if I had to spend another $2k of my savings to cover the shortfall and any extra costs, it would be bearable. It seems so hard to imagine that I couldn’t even gran $100 p/week from my trading by then, it would mean that the edges had been so pushed that it couldn’t be too long at all until I reach a nice place.

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