How Much Right Now

by Matt Romantech on January 21, 2018

I wake up fearful again, the message is strong.

I check my trading, I have been given much relief, back to just a grand down, a grand off the bottom I was hitting after I got smashed after I got up yesterday – I am actually higher now than I was at any point yesterday or the day before, sweet sweet relief.

But I can’t ignore what I feel, the message coming to me that I am putting too much focus in my life on things that have passed by, I don’t want to spend days and days like I have caught up in something that isn’t going anywhere, that doesn’t really mean anything – I am not stupid, I know that my art isn’t relevant, and it’s at the point I have been describing as in trading.

At what point do you get out, at what point to you accept it’s no longer giving you what you need?

I was so scared this morning, I don’t want it to all fall apart, I don’t want to be thinking deep down I’m not good enough for darya.

I don’t want to not be ashamed to be scared, I want to not be scared.

Obviously I’m going to finish the videos I’ve started, but I’ve got to think seriously about where I’m going.

The kurb archive thing I’m not worried about because it’s long term, and leans to the side of things I feel okay about – arty videos.

It’s the clowny stuff, it’s okay if you’re doing it quickly, but if it takes too much time, it’s not worth doing.

That’s why it’s very drawing board what I’m doing now, no fixed plans – I still want to do skits with models next year if I can afford it, but the idea for the shoot at the house with the trolley is going a bit too far I think.

Even the pirate stories, even the sexy forex, and maybe even dugong vs manatee. You can’t see these things as things you have to do, you could spend your time doing something that’s going to leave you feeling like you’re okay when you wake up in the morning.

You know it’s simple, if the trading works out, then a whole lot of things are possible.

All this shit, if it doesn’t work out – you don’t get to act like a dick.

It’s hard to see the grey area, that I won’t fail and I won’t succeed, and it’s through that outcome I have to negotiate what becomes of my youtube stuff.

It’s like DJing, I know I could be a good DJ, but what’s it worth, to slog through like that?

How much work is it going to be to push through to get gigs? It’s not worth it.

With video, nobody can stop me doing my thing, but the problem is nobody recognises what I do at all, there is very little reward from it, but what reward would you expect, given that you love to explore confronting aspects of life?

It goes around and around, it’s my art, it’s the truth, it’s my truth, it’s me – but no one wants your truth. You knew that.

It’s not about them, it’s about me, it’s about me knowing I’m different. It’s about my origin story.

This tour vid is, and what I have planned, really well, it all fits in to this narrative – I gave up on sophisticated concepts for music videos, again, I just use the off cuts, I don’t put energy into anything that isn’t building up the final form.

I can’t help but think I might be getting it twisted, that by trying to do all of my video work I’ve assigned myself for the year to get it out of the way now,

That’s what I look forward to, focusing forward, focusing on new songs done right, and new video projects done right. Music videos that are simple, built out of other visual stuff I’m doing.

Are you saying you wouldn’t have done these projects if you’d known?

No, I don’t think so.

I feel I have to do this video for kurb, and in that sense, much the same for the tour, and that’s why they belong with noob beats because each of them represents a little snapshot of how my life was in my late 20’s and 30’s.

My business, my tours, and my little dreams I was a DJ.

I went to bed thinking it’s mad that I spending all this time angsting over videos I don’t actually want people to see, but now I realise, I just want them to be discovered at a later date when people are putting it all together.

Most people will never get it, I don’t care, it’s my story, it’s perhaps indecipherable but it is what it is.

To me it’s a story in that I am heading somewhere, I am not doing silly music videos – this was the whole vibe I wanted to go for, that people will be able to look back and see my much more amateur efforts and see that I had a vision the whole time, and never underestimate my mysterious ways.

I am beginning to see, we are leaving the tour videos, we are leaving the kurb business videos. We are doing more structured stuff for now because we know with the kurb archive we are really going to break things down, and that trend will be seen overall – more vapourwave tracks mean more footage being twisted out it’s like I want to start melting it all down as scrap, all of kurb, all of the tours, all of the DVD’s, going forward with what’s real and letting the shit that’s not real wash off.

We have to journey through. We are replacing what we used to do with a format that has more value – it’s all turning toward basswave, whatever that is. Well it’s basically human trafficking.

Doing videos on different cities is one thing I can do to make a move toward doing content that actually helps me with bigger goals. You can find my old videos, about kurb, the tours, and the lean hogs origin and from that, comes what I’m doing now.

Lifestyle consultant. I am just building value and seeing what happens next, I can survive, but I’ll also open my brain for money as well. If you want to know what I’d rather be doing if I can’t even scratch a few hundred from trading or otherwise need to drum up an income – well what should I be doing?

Using my multiples of skills and reputation – basically doing for people’s digital lifestyle what my dad did for people’s houses. I do all the little jobs that the big guys would charge too much for and you just want an honest guy to do it cheap with no fuss.

Where are your issues? Business, freelancing? Girls? General travel issues? I step in with advice and solutions.

But you can’t put these things in a box, you have to build value, and then realise it.

I’m building my idea. But the perverse thing is I can’t build my idea without extra money, and the money comes from trading and I could be waiting for years. So you do what you can do – this format for the content over the next few years – stuff that connects you with other people in this game.

Basically I’m trying to earn the money to make my startup worthwhile. So again, it might not be worth charging for anything, just build a brand, or build value.

The facts are that if you are going to need money, you’re going to know about it 6 months in advance. We are not likely to need money on this trip, if trading and kurb can’t make the $150 a week I need which will give me a fairly similar situation to how I was last time – a few treats but not the high life well it’s possible but not likely, I will draw on my savings, it’ll be $3k max.

When I get back that’s when I need to start delivering, but it’s as I’ve said before you’d need to be unable to earn even $300 off the trading to want to freelance, and it just doesn’t seem like that’s realistic, I should be able to make $300, and draw down $100, and the savings slowly add up.

There is a real battle going on here.

I still feel I should be able to make $500 – from july 16 to july 17 I made $39k, starting with $18k and adding $10k.

I’m saying you should be able to reach $500, maybe not straight away, but soon enough. We have access to money, to savings that are building, but not very fast.

There’s also kurb of course, if I started doing adwords again, you never know, it might start making me another $100 a week profit.

What I’m afraid of – this is what we need to confront – As long as we can earn $350 a week we can travel the world.

$8k living expenses
$3k travel costs
$4k annual bills
$2k overseas spending

We’ve done this math before we can get

$5k dole
$5k kurb
$5k weed

Well we believed we would be getting $6k from the dole because we’d be spending 7 months here and we wouldn’t be on the sickness. And we believed we’d be growing 2 pound of weed, or at least enough to make $6k.

The rest I think we can make even if I can’t make it trading.

The question is the next phase I talked about when I have to support my wife. Basically $100 a week for extra food and costs, plus her flights but, this shouldn’t be for 2 years, that should give my trading time to grow.

TRAVEL LEVEL: $17k pa
GIRL LEVEL: $25k pa
FAMILY LAVEL: $35k pa

My issue is I need to be able to cover costs, travel, a wife/girlfriend. Then there is savings and family. Like I said, darya deserves a guy who can make a grand a week. You need to be able to make a grand a week.

If you make $400 a week only when you’re in NZ from weed and the dole, then $100 from kurb, you only need to make $500 from your trading even when you have a family.

You have enough money to do your lease project and bring darya here.

You don’t need to worry about freelancing and stuff, you need to get this through your head.

The days of the big positions that lose lots of money are over, we will take massive hits like we have this last week again, but it will never be enough now to sink us or even shake us as we collect our $500+ a week.

And I still believe we’re not that far away, we just have to accept we never know when the next big move is coming it could be days or months. But it’s coming, and once we’ve lost $1k, $2k, and then $3k we are taking progressive moves to shut the whole thing down closing every gap.

I have relief again, once more I have talked myself around, you can make $500 a week from next year trading, even if you go nowhere this year, and still not really suffer that much.

This year is fine, if darya wants to come over, it’s fine.

Yes, health insurance, taxis, luggage, visas, passport renewal, you’re going to have to find an extra grand each year. That’s not really something to freak out about.

I have finally finished sorting my pics.

With the art folder I have got a tonne of material for videos. It’s time I learnt to do morphing type shit so here’s my chance, I’ll probably have near 10 minutes of material

Because I’ve got kurb reels, tour reels, retrospective reels and now these art reels, I’ve got mad material to tap. It means I don’t need very much original material at all to use as a base for each video.

It means all this fucking around will likely make the next lot of videos pretty easy.

You could even create themes for

dragonfly
surface tension
incognitus
whispers
see change

Then we’re into the big 4 path/pause/jazzrave/sugardaddy

Path we have Darcy’s one shot for path and I think jazzrave could definitely be a heavy vibe for this.

But that’s a good 6 months away, it might be something else by then!

Surface tension is good for a mix of the right tour stuff and right pics stuff.

Point is, we haven’t really wasted that much time, we’re getting good mileage out of this stuff. When you think of the kurb dvd archive too, you’re going to see a lot of material ready to work with. I can see that that’s what I will start to do with the video archive organise it into this huge rolling thing this mighty ball of dung that spits out the next random music video in the sequence of randomized output from my input source.

We’ll have all these mash ups rolling on at various stages of deconstruction and just keep mashing and mashing and loose editing and on and on, holding only the legacy cuts.

We have the original masters of the finals, the original legacy cuts, but all the rest are just being mashed and mashed until only best most epic shots and juxtapositions at the perfect speeds etc make it, you keep bring back the old stuff back into the jam, each time shaving off more of the messy stuff, just like we’ve done with these photos – it was a long process but my tumblr looks really good most of the photos look great because they are the best from thousands.

The same principle applies – well of course it would it’s the same content, but with the video, with a song, with anything, you just keep cutting away the shittiest bits until you have something good.

***

I seem to be happy now, even though once again I did nothing on the video and now I have to drive to town tomorrow to pay this bill and sort other things. Hopefully this weekend I can make progress on the vid and turn back towards the songs.

I guess it was realising that If I can’t afford anything I can dip into my savings knowing that I am coming to a reckoning where either the trading works or it doesn’t and I have to focus on another income source.

This made me realise that even earning $300 would be fine for the next 2 years, I would survive pretty comfortably but my savings over that time would be meagre – and if that’s the case why don’t I simply be more careful with my trading – better that than risk having to get a different job where I can’t just sit here and diddle mindlessly.

Not having massive slab positions also allows you to spread your margin out thinner along the spread of positions – you’re not left there with this $100k position waiting for it to pop to make proper money.

I have just done my money and of course things aren’t looking as good as they were.

Right now, I have just enough money to cover myself and my trip with $150 p/week spending which would obviously need to be topped up by kurb or trading, or savings, or something.

It’s not too bad, but it certainly shows things have reversed in a few weeks.

Before christmas I thought I had a grand to work with, now I can afford weed and that’s it.

Down $600, but what happened to all the grand I added in jobs since new years?

Well there’s 3 weeks you haven’t counted before you leave that should have given you a chance to save an extra $800.

The scary thing is health insurance, visas, passport – that could easily suck up another grand.

insurance – $400
passport – $180
visas – $200

it’s still under $800. That shouldn’t shake you, again it’s the same as this year, I am aiming to come back with $45k but if I’m a few grand off the mark but have an incredible trip, it will be a fine pay off.

I am also starting to believe that with so many videos and projects out of the way and the whole tourist thing fading away, I will find myself with more time on my hands when I am overseas – time I can use for freelancing if need be.

The same argument will still be made – you can make $300 a week if you simply wait out the months to realise it, but maybe I just want some money now so I don’t have to get nervous and it’s better to be chasing girls when you’ve got money in your pocket and stuff going on in your life that is worthwhile, worth the money you’re earning, anyway.

I still am having either to little or too much success convincing myself everything will be fine – sometimes I’m anxious, sometimes I’m full of confidence.

I can’t let the trading fade into the background because too much is depending on it.

We are certainly forced to curtail our dreams of earning $1k a week in the next 6 months, it’s not worth risking.

When we first repented and promised to change our ways, we were only asking for $200 to take us through to next year. Even now I feel that seems a bit unambitious, we know what the swings from a $200 p/week gig are

I had to jump back there, back 2 and a bit years to where I was earning $200 a week and plodding along.

There I am, first coming up the the cd/dvd archive vid. It’s me, it’s part of me, it’s who I am, it’s my story.

There I am spending week after week doing my archiving, trying to organise all my shit.

Now that I’ve done it, now what? Here I am on the tour videos, and cd/dvd archive vid, I only had the idea just over two years ago and it’s almost half done, and I can get it finished, I am connected to my place in the timeline.

I see how happy I was to enjoy my mother’s stuff, her books and her plants and everything and now I look around me and that’s where I am. I have built on top of the work I did then, that is pretty much invisible now, much as I am doing with this tour vid, it is work to be built on in future, because this is my journey.

But there is little on trading.

I see myself grappling with all the emotions I used to – the rage I had, no opportunity to connect with girls

You can see that I was a lot more sane about my trading back then, I just was under so much pressure as 2016 rolled in with it not happening, I broke down, I was already beginning to whisper sweet seductions to myself of the trading and how fabulously rich I would become in the years that would follow.

I just began to dream away. My situation was hard and I dreamed my way out of it, I look around me now and I should be thankful but the struggle with the trading goes on.

It became too maddening just sitting there grinding.

The idea of releasing 200 more songs and having 100 people living on my lands by the time I die is very exuberant, but who’s to say it is or isn’t possible?

These mad ideas I’ve had, only 2 years ago, were just beginning to form, 200 songs and 100 people living on my land seems now quite quaint compared to where it went.

There’s something else to realise about the trading of course, that of course it will work long term, it’s just whether I have that patience.

I can see I had some good techniques for fighting depression – if I couldn’t do something, I just found something I could do and did that – that’s why I was doing so much archiving.

Something gentle I could roll through rather than the heaviness of this tour video.

But I have rolled gently through archiving my photos, I spent a lot of time doing that.

But the whole idea of the tour video, why I felt I had to do it now, was that I wanted to get stuck in and get some of these tasks nailed so I could whip up a pace and get moving.

This is what I see back 2 years ago from now – I had but the trouble in august behind me, and was going hard, I wasn’t even focused on paul at that stage. I filmed those videos and the noob beats stuff then. All the work I did sorting out my music files, all that archiving, it’s invisible now that it’s done.

But I just wanted to go back.

I firmly believe my old system would have worked – minus the slabs – with much smaller position sizes like we used to trade before brexit, only in the last few months have we finally accepted that trying to earn a lot of money, over two grand a week, is too risky.

But also we have been able to bring a lot of our dreams we have planned for the next few years into a budget that can work even if I am only reaching for a grand.

The whole lease idea.

Man I just write so much, I dream and I plan.

I think it’s like I say, I’m just going through a bit of swampy stuff at the moment, it’s a bit arduous, it’s a bit dense. I’m having to come to terms with recognising no one cares about my shit, and it’s not a cry for recognition, it’s trying to deal with that as an artist, to stop imagining an audience that isn’t there.

There’s no audience, there’s no recognition, it’s just art. There’s more purity and power to be found in that, because it’s the truth. If there was an audience it may be a different proposition, but there’s no audience so what are you trying to prove?

That I can make good videos, and songs, and blogs. To prove it to myself.

To tell my story, to myself so that in life, as it can be, you never get confused, you don’t lose the path you’re on, you remember – this is who I am.

I do my music, I was at sandringham, I do my trading, I did my business.

I do my videos to remember that who I am is doing my videos. I do my videos, I do my music, I do my business ideas. I travel.

Remember I do my videos because I do videos, and I do videos because I can do videos about anything, because I make lots of videos, this is why I do my videos, so I can always do videos about whatever I like.

Because I realised video was a stronger medium than music or writing for really selling an idea.

I am having to get back to some basics with my art so that I can begin building strong again.

There’s a lot of doubt with this noob beats thing – I worked so hard on it for what?

It makes me feel messy to think for 7 years I’ve been “developing” – I’ve worked for so long on it and got nowhere, I know the stuff isn’t ready, same with the music, it’s so demanding to make top quality product, maybe that’s why I spend all my time writing and trading.

It’s all about how much money I’m making and how I feel right now.

It’s one of these one’s I always go on, I won’t do my work because I need to understand where it all fits in.

What else was I gonna do? Short of darling darling what project would I rather have completely finished?

Well the kurb archive obviously – we choose to do the tour videos because we felt it would be easier and it’s probably true, the same issue exists, slogging over a video that no one is going to watch.

If you’d just got on with it, it would be done by now, but I have to wrestle with this, the reason I’m not doing it is because I am failing to understand it.

I can’t accept that it is just practice, just training – training for what? For whatever you do next. This is an epic procrastination, driving me to focus elsewhere.

That’s why at least I have this sleep out to look at.

***

I look at this list and I only see the videos there as the major challenge.

the editing for the dvd archive is just long hard work, i’d be doing it now, but this is the whole point, I want to take on the hard stuff, the editing i can do overseas, because it doesn’t require heavy focus, and it feels like I would have always had to ask this – what am I doing?

You have to! How easy is it to start acting like I dickhead and doing the wrong thing?

I do it constantly how can I stop unless I stop doing anything? It is natural to fuck up, you will fuck up all the time.

But I can only ask.

You can only keep asking. Am I doing the wrong thing. This connects with the noob eats video, you’ve got to keep asking, ask everyone, you experiment.

We have done plenty of wrong things, maybe a video that is more abstract and also honest about the tours would be good, we’ve attempted a more structured narrative, it’s hard work.

This would be less hard work, so even if it is shitty and not right, at least it only took me a week or two and not a month or longer like some have. Will I go forward with this concept – abstract visuals loosely connected, my random beats I’m only half committed to, and me riffing on some bullshit.

You see now?

This tour video is a template for how you’re moving forward with the lean hogs stuff that you started with noob eats.

Why would I finish any of these tunes properly? Waste of time, I fold them into something else, some other media, this is what it is, some video art, it’s my soundtrack, and I often just talk some shit over the top, it’s a signature style I’m kicking into as a move on from clowning and other shit that’s a big effort because let’s look at it:

– Random visual input I’ve gathered from a personally relevant source
– Some beat I’ve got that doesn’t matter enough to finish properly so is original
– Some ramble I can just record that isn’t meant to sound audibly clear

These items can all be sourced within a day, especially when I’m overseas, footage, beat, narration. It doesn’t matter if I’m in thailand or wherever and the heat is making me look like shit, I won’t be in it, I’ll just talk if I can’t get or do good stuff with me in it.

Now I think I might finally be finding an angle that encourages me to get my shit together and do this. I am developing my style through this, from where I’ve been with tour videos, music videos, clown shit, and video art to where I’m going – doing the video that maximize my skill set while still remaining a format that’s easy to execute, so it’s possible one day I could do one every day.

It’s more freeform, I can play around with concepts, storytelling etc, you had the idea you could do a lot with animations, you could do a lot with more anime style or narration based storytelling – still images moving across the screen, old school style.

Now I see noob eats and this tour vid as my entre to a new move in my style where I am getting into story telling and such.

Now I see it – this is so good, it’s taken me days and days – a whole week since I first looked at the video – to work out where I’m at with it and where I’m at with my shit.

The clown shit I will do if I get the chance, and by that I mean money.

The thing is I will always win with my trading, because they can’t make me broke. It’s just a matter of how long it takes because it doesn’t happen fast enough before I need the money.

You don’t have to do dugong manatee or sexy forex it was just a direction. basswave will do it’s own thing.

But I guess this is the thing, I do a producer vid, a business vid, a tour vid, I want to do a girl vid, which is connected with the music videos, the modelling shit.

Or maybe I just say it’s the same shit and do a storytelling thing.

I mean I want the models in it, but like, I can just get russian models. If I go with narration.

I’ll want to do some modelling skits in NZ, but I can do some narration one’s with russian girls that the girls don’t speak, then I can start to transition.

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