Snakes and Sluts

by Matt Romantech on January 8, 2018

It’s time to go and get my coffee capsule refills, I am still obsessed with saving money on groceries, which is starting to seem a bit pointless, we finished up $1100 on the trading this week – last week was an anomaly.

My average is near $700 or just under $600 when adjusted, while my margin is actually still dropping.

I still wanted to push the margin back to $5k as an experiment, just as in the past – do what you’re already doing, just start weighting the positions just a little heavier each time.

I am returning to confidence we will get to a grand by the time we leave, and you can begin to get excited about trading again, because we can keep moving beyond, any time we reach $2k now is a doorway to bigger things, in the old way, $2k was barely in the game, now it’s past half way to $3k, which is the new $5k, that number that I see myself in cruise mode where progressing and developing is secondary to holding a cruising altitude.

Of course the fact that I have joy in not being stressed about it is the greatest, there is no stress now, there is no stress coming. I have yet to see our account value reverse more than a grand since we switched our technique.

we won’t be in europe having to tear ourselves away from a stress out trading situation to take a girl out.

we won’t have stress out situations absorbing us completely, we can focus on what we enjoy.

Trying to save money on groceries is a weird obsession, I like to believe I could live well no matter what, and I know it’s certainly true.

The dole is $212, my weekly bills are consistently under $150 and that counts petrol to auckland.

As I worked out before, on the dole I can still run a car, and a little extra income which is inevitable will sort my overseas travels out, I will grow my own dope,

***

I started getting these bad vibes, from facebook, from rosie, it’s good that her and george . . . this is god damn facebook, you always go on there and everybody’s breeding, they got babies, and of course rosie and george have a kid now it’s so inevitable

I go spiralling off like I’ve discovered a spot of dirt at the back of my psyche

But it was eamon and faith that did it for me.

They got married. For the dole entitlement. Because of rosie, I was thinking about how I was going to matty rosie for the same dole entitlement just like they did, so we could be like them, but they got married and I was on the outside, they got divorced I remember, but still. I remember it, I was there.

It’s one of those things. It was so long ago. I am jealous of eamon, he always did better with girls, he was always more likely to fuck faith than me, I felt so much for faith and it wrecked me from then, I couldn’t control my feelings for a woman, it kept happening, my thing with imogen, hazel, camille, aeryn, of course, but at least she was my girlfriend and it wasn’t just this pathetic . . . always going for girls way way way out of my league, I didn’t know that I had no chance with faith or imogen, I just didn’t understand that because I wasn’t big and cool and bad I was just I little runt to them, I just didn’t get it, it was only on myspace that it changed.

Learning to understand how women react and the finding out about game.

This is the core of compassion fatigue, it’s about how couples and individuals resolve monogamy, that was the original theme, that monogamy caged everything we can’t escape from it. Then things got digital.

It bleeds out. I feel so ashamed and worthless but then I understand so much more deeply, you made the best choices you could. Of course you wanted the hot girl, of course you didn’t get there, of course you god damn wrecked yourself.

This is NENB, isn’t it, isn’t this the rawness, honesty in art?

I’m off on a tangent. Lean hogs, honesty in art. There is beauty in such honesty.

I see how hard it is for most people to even see the mirror, when it takes me such anguish to hold my head to face what I really am.

I do these videos to say real things, man – I couldn’t find me a girl. You gotta understand.

When I started to walk the path that took me to ukraine I began to see, and things have only become more clear.

I didn’t know. I was supposed to accept some average looking girl, but I simply wouldn’t do it, and all those girls I’ve slept with, I knew it wasn’t right.

I have nothing to show that I need have any belief I am somehow superior.

I had a superiority about me, I always felt it wasn’t good enough.

But as I got older I realised that I know the difference between what’s good and what’s not.

This house is good. The places I visited are good.

Maybe there should be a traveller in compassion fatigue as well.

Darya is good.

I thought Gemma was good, but you can see only a few short years ago your head was still messed up, I can’t understand how I could seriously be thinking I could stay with Gemma.

We would be rich, I wouldn’t even need to be the breadwinner. I was rationalizing it all, but now I can’t understand why I thought it was okay.

Because it just felt so normal to have a nice date, to bang your girl, who makes you breakfast.

There was so much beauty in it, I just wanted it so much.

A girl. Her house is all nice, her bed is ridiculously nice. She’s super smart, she has massive tits.

You must understand, because you see it everyday, how men settle.

I saw this dude a lot bigger than me with a beard and his girlfriend was enormous. I just couldn’t process it, how sad this guy must be.

I don’t want to be george, rosie’s kid’s dad. Rosie is another perfect example, way hotter than gemma, but not a smart girl, and I was just never that interested in her except for that one time . . . I was living with george, before they even met . . . these thoughts go through my mind and you have to nail them down because inside of this is the magic that makes evil robot and compassion fatigue work, these mechanics of the networks these people inhabit.

Rosie and Hazel have banged so many guys, which I don’t consider makes them any less valuable to me as friends.

Hazel still has her looks but I recoil from her because the memory of her utter bullshit stinks and I can still smell it. I am repulsed by her romantically now because I am just too old for bullshit.

If I’m not taking Gemma’s bullshit I am certainly not taking Hazel’s industrial strength mind fuckery.

I don’t judge rosie and hazel for being promiscuous, not morally, I don’t think they’re bad people for fucking lots of dudes. I love rosie for how often she was there for me for sex, that is something I feel I owe her, she is a sweet girl, and she is my friend.

It’s just I feel my darya is more valuable as a wife. You want to marry a girl and have her in every part of your life, god I mean, rosie, talking all the time about bullshit, I simply couldn’t deal with it.

Darya isn’t damaged. Darya isn’t trucking baggage like all these girls are. I will often feel the distance between darya and I as in our facebook messages – the cultural difference but also the cultural intimacy of so many shared references, I believed for so so long, that I had to have a cultural frame of reference close to that of my girl for it to really work and now I realise what it’s really all about I see that as an absurd luxury that is only available in short windows.

People are always changing at different paces.

It’s taken me until now to understand that if you get a wife is really hot, and really into being a wife, you really really can’t go past that.

In the same way that I didn’t realise I was a little runt who never had a real chance with the hot women I became obsessed with, only now do I understand that when you choose a russian girl over a local girl you are making the best and smartest move.

It is sad. This is what is happening, the kids aren’t being put right. I couldn’t get a girl because I wasn’t taught anything about being a man. It was always okay for me to be a pussy as long as I got good marks, no one told me that wasn’t going to get me anywhere at all.

I only got the damn marks because I thought I was doing right. I want to teach my kids to set goals and make strategies, but to always question the strategy and always question the goal, do what I do and be continually asking yourself why you want this, why is it good, is it going to be worth it?

If I’d done this with girls and music I wouldn’t have this problem where I’m getting closer to 40 and I haven’t worked it out.

Maybe I’ve spent to many years writing too many words, but I think you’ll see my track record, and you’ll see what I say – I have kept myself alive in this game, even to this day.

The possibilities are still open to me.

I can still make it in trading. I can still travel the world. I can still marry my little darya and fill her up with babies here at my farm while carrying on a rendezvous with my young little pieces of ass in bangkok or kiev.

You want people to read that?

I want people to know I’m not perfect and I just like anyone, I have my fantasies, and whether I will ever carry them out, is a very much open outcome. What I know is that allowing my fantasies off the leash to roam beyond what might be considered right or respectful to important values, allows me to understand what the true things I want are.

Knowing that cheating is hurtful to my wife makes me ask myself if it’s really worth it, and brings up the idea that a sweetheart like darya is someone who would inspire that loyalty, that it doesn’t matter whether you get caught, you’d feel like shit if you did it, because when you’re boning and you shoot your load, you will wonder if it’s worth it, you could be doing the same thing with your wife and no one would ever have to be hurt.

The excitement of hitting some 20 year old ass is gone so so quickly.

And the realisation that a 20 year old girl wants to be nailed by a pounding machine, a 50 year old guy isn’t going to do that. You giving her pussy a little prod for a few minutes and then slumping off with a sigh is hardly big excitement, and so new complexities await.

The world is full of sluts, and like rosie and hazel, they have other aspects to them than who they’ve been dicked by. But my little darya is special, she hasn’t been dicked by probably more than a few guys tops. It doesn’t mean she’s cleaner, it means she’s not bringing a pile of emotional baggage from a whole lot of dickhead assholes to the table.

My all round qualities as a person are not being constantly compared to the sexual skills of that hot guy she met who jackhammered her pussy that one night.

What I’m saying is that to be blessed with having a wife at home is to be blessed to have the opportunity to chase around little sluts in short skirts because you would never be stupid enough to leave your wife for some fucking floozy.

Much like rosie and hazel, it’s nice to make new friends and get some nice ass along the way. I have a wife who I love. I just also like to have fun and I like young women’s bottoms and spanking them.

It’s all in the game. Is it unfair that nobody – not even my best friends – told me how to act right so I could get it right?

Well if you’re smart you should work things out. I guess I wasn’t as smart then as I thought. But I think I was, I just had not created the opportunity that I now have to think it through.

It’s just like christmas, from now, when I get these bad vibes, I go after them with a rifle.

I want to know where this stuff is brewing up from, because it comes from a place deep down where you may have missed some dirt, some dark patch where shit you’ve held down is creating a stink in your vibe, it’s a dead feeling that’s been rotting back there for many years, and it needs to be hosed out.

Rosie and George deserve each other and the opportunity to have some happiness together.

I can’t be sad that I chose to play for bigger prizes and the outcome is as yet undecided.

Eamon and Faith simply had gifts that were more useful to them as teenagers, I find now, that the types of skills I have and my strengths were never going to be anything that would help me until later in life, I am facing a hard run chase, but I have wickets in hand and I have shown myself to be a competitive play maker.

This is really what the last 2 months have been about. Realising that there is still a lot of work to do and it’s not just a matter of trading my way to having enough cash to drive a steamroller through every obstacle.

But I do have reason to be more confident then I’ve been in weeks.

I remember that my old system never failed completely and if I’d ridden it out, admit it, you’d have more money now.

But that wasn’t the point, I was losing my mind with the stress I could see it in front of me, my chance to enjoy my farm, my darya, my adventures – all being put at risk because stressful trading shit was always at my throat.

I remembered what it was to walk down the street in kiev.

Even if you were 45 but you had $500 a week coming in, in kiev, you’d be a winner with a chance with hot young girl.

We had to find a place where we could reduce the risk we were exposed to but still continue to make some steady income we could build upon – without trading, there would be no opportunity to simply travel as I wished, to live this dream I could see here before me now.

Think about it. I am spending less time focused on trading, I can work on my content. This is the way it is supposed to be.

We got what we wanted. We made a trade off, and now we have increased security and decreased risk.

But we also know the old system didn’t fail, it just became stretched beyond my ability to cope and I took a radical course of action, and so in my mind, allowing the system to build out in the old way allows the opportunity to access the profit potential of the old system while protecting us from dangerous avalanches that were killing us since we pretty much got here to the farm. near 5 months.

It seems we have learnt it is possible to make a bit of money even when the hedges are very tight, so preventing large losses.

We make no large losses, we make no large gains, catastrophe is prevented, but small gains are still able to be made.

Even if we swapped techniques and changed back to the new system whenever we lost more than a grand from the swing high, there are certainly strategic ways to alter your trading pattern when the major break outs occur, so that we see the avalanche form and are not trapped under it.

But no huge avalanche is coming, so you don’t need to build a huge hedge on the other side, that then falls on you on the retrace, you are able to prevent the hole from growing so large it can’t be filled.

But of course what is to stop us if we favoured more bias towards the old technique? as simply using the same technique as we did before would shut down any situation where we began losing a lot of money.

But what we have learnt that goes back before we even came home, is to keep the hedges tight in order to stop things getting out of hand.

But if you keep the hedges tight without ever realising loss, they build up perilously, quickly.

The huge difference is now we have a pressure valve that kicks in when it falls to new lows on new lows.

The biggest concession I’ve made to the old system is that I only reduce the position on a triple low

At first I reduced the position only when a hard down trend reversed, as all trends retrace and retest, this was a buy the dip strategy. But I realised I was pretty much negating any chance of a reversal.

The way I see it if a pair is trending down, getting out of trades that are beyond about 4%, 400 pips, makes sense because it is likely to continue trending, and even if it does reverse is it on a 4% reversal? Because if the trend is reversing, this is also a perfect time to have your money in the green if you decide to put it there.

It comes back to the fundamental concept of adding to a position as it rises.

Before we had this huge slab that you would cash out and re-establish, jacking up brokers fees, and building perilously high hedges that could go wild the moment they were unable to be managed, creating blindspots, such as a potentially massive liquidity drain smashing you on both sides.

We were unaware of how much we were effected by moves in the NZD, in thailand we dropped to $37k on the election result, but it was when we got back we were truly hammered. $5k went on the turkish and the NZD and AUD got hammered as well, especially remember the canadian, and remember the euro was smashing both of them. There was that massive move up, and EURAUD went from $125k on both sides, to getting cleaned out, and this was a massive move in the euro again so it already pinched us in USD and GBP but it was a few grand in AUD NZD also.

This was the point we made – on it’s own this was just business as usual, but between this and the turkish I got smashed down $9k – wait the turkish was about 8% from the high when you touched down back home. I easily ate $7k loss just there, $3k on EURNZD and AUDNZD and a couple of $k elsewhere – cocoa, don’t forget, that’s $1k right there. unbelievable.

It was too much pinch. The AUD NZD thing being smashed by the EUR and CAD, that was normal business I should have been able to absorb but my turkish gap was $100k when the big move came in, I was smashed there. Utterly smashed, there shouldn’t have been a $100k gap, but of course there would be $100k across one currency, but it shouldn’t have been for an emerging currency, i just fell right into the trap.

I psyched myself out saying I would hold the line for another $20k or more loss, and saw it eating all my savings when I need to be able to have reserves of cash for darya, for europe, I was in disbelief I was honestly watching it all burn up in front of me.

I had to act. My house was on fire.

The carry costs were $130 a day I was beginning to feel the walls were closing in I had to make a break for it.

The more I think about it the more I feel it’s unrealistic to have regrets. You did what you felt you had to do and I don’t think you made a mistake. I managed the risk to shut down the outside possibility we might be cleaned out.

I knew that having that $700 when I blew out last time was a huge advantage in getting back in the game, and I still had $26k, and that’s when the wheels started to spin – why can’t I go back to last august, yes I was making $2k then, but I had just given myself the $10k

I look back. I was definitely under $30k august 2016.

I was still having a lot of problems with kurb. I don’t have that now.

It took me months of stress to find this house, 3 months, where I was tunnel vision.

If you’re wondering where the years have gone, as you sit now, so nice and happy in your little house on your little farm getting ready for your little darya . . . well these things were hard fought for.

You worked so long and hard on the trading, but it wasn’t your only effort and not all of the other things you did failed. The house took months and it was a win, and europe took months and it was a win.

That’s not talking about the crushing depression the ordeal with this house put me through, april, I crashed, I was winning in my trading, but may and june were lost to such utter anguish, I was so so depressed.

I stopped showering and got a rash I’m still haven’t quite seen the back of, I was utterly smashed into the ground, it was 2.5 years ago you first decided to go to russia, but in that time not only have you achieved that, and bought a house, but spent month and months of grim, grinding misery.

Remember to treat yourself as if you were someone you were responsible for helping.

remember all these mantras I had to help me get through the depression and harsh and tearing attacks on myself I’d endure every day as I was drowned in worthlessness.

You can’t be sad now that the years all drained away, you can’t believe that somehow you have had it easy just because you got a big bunch of money.

You have it easy now.

You didn’t then, it was hell. It was supposed to work out, but it just wouldn’t.

I just think back to 18 months ago, I had about $470k.

Now I have the house which is good, but I’ve only got $51k. I had a trip to europe. I paid a lot of bills off.

I’ve lost over $20k of my families money in that time on trading, and that goes with the last $20k+ I lost trading.

Well actually it’s not lost. But if you consider that you have the same account value now as you do then, well, then, yes. It’s lost. It’s gone.

I don’t know why I do it to myself but I guess I am still having to process it now that there is vacuum left by the christmas stress and ennui – I fucked out on the trading again. I pulled the escape cord when I felt I had to and even though it lost me money, it at least allowed me to see I was not winning and I had not been winning for many months, and now I realised what was truly at stake – not to be some eccentric millionaire – but that simple pleasures that I never had, to have something real with a decent girl were within my reach and that I had come to understand.

I didn’t come to trading and to ukraine by luck, I knew that there had to be a way and I was determined to find a way to make it happen.

That’s what I lost in my trading when I came home, that mindless determination I had before that I would keep going, no matter what.

I had to see I was not realistic about the risks I was taking.

But it seems more real now, so much more real, before it was all just me building castles in mind, now it’s all real.

I’ve got just as much chance of actually cracking it as I ever did, but am I not living with my head in the clouds any more, now I live in a world where the money I earn is mine to enjoy and I don’t need fantasies to keep my clinging on until I regain some control over my life.

I don’t blame paul for my failures in trading. I just look to forgive myself for the ways in which I broke down under more pressure than I’ve been under.

It again makes me think of eamon, I thought we were brothers, but now I see the only way I am better off for knowing him is to understand the danger of snakes.

I don’t judge sluts, and I don’t judge snakes. These are the choices of those who make them, who they choose to be for whatever reason. But it is not my path.

It made me realise. Eamon knows me, he knows my father, he knows that’s not what I am. And if he wants to eat all the eggs in my nest, this is the life we lead as a snake, as a bird.

It is a great luxury I have of being a sensitive person and what I did to faith, what was that?

I had a tantrum because I couldn’t get the toy I wanted. I am no better than eamon, I am not innocent. I am no better than paul, well – not much better anyway – I am just as stupid, I am capable of being just as stupid as paul as my trading showed me capable of doing just as much damage as he had done, except in both circumstances the victim was always me.

It is easy to feel bad as if you have no value and that’s where darya comes in yet again. I have had my ego shredded often enough in this life by things that happened when I was younger and when I was older, I am scarred a bit and I need a sweet and understanding girl like darya who will accept the fact that I have my times when I feel unhealed and all I need is patience to allow the moment where I’m stuck in the memory – the trauma – to pass.

In the west, everywhere, we are all so traumatized.

Two traumatized westerners together stuggling, it makes no sense and is a tragic picture.

But if the trading turns positive again, won’t it have been worthwhile? It took so much, it took so much time. It was a way of getting through the darkest time of my life, and without it I would never have opened up so many dreams.

I wouldn’t have this opportunity to delve so deeply because in my mind it is still possible that one day I will roll 7 figures in a year. Because even if I never get beyond a grand a week, the thoughts and possibilities this all opened up – the lean hogs and the tiger penis and all these concepts that now form some a mighty and epic narrative which is at the heart of my artistic vision and initiative – it has opened up so much.

I still believe I proved with the old system I could cruise on a grand a week, that is what I have proven. Only when I grew impatient making $1200-1300 when after brexit I’d made more for months, did I take risks that began all these problems I see now.

Well, no, you bought most of that turkish more than 18 months ago, by this time last year you’d all but given up on it.

It wasn’t one mistake that wrecked me this time, but a series.

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