Brother Moves On

by Matt Romantech on February 11, 2018

Just when things were mellowing out on the trading, I’m hit again, I think it is good to become used to how this is, and stop dreaming of the grands that are coming just around the corner, and be happy to hope for the ability to grab a few hundred when I need it until things actually start to happen.

The shame of that of course is that I woke up this morning ready to aggressively slam these videos, both of them.

Look at that to do list and imagine them disappearing and what that would mean.

Incognitus, dragonfly and surface tension I can smash in a week, I began to fantasize of having this all done in 2 weeks. Working on all project at once going hard for two weeks it’s possible.

I would have hauled through a massive hump, but the problem is the thing that have fallen away in the meantime, it’s like the last few weeks have been a mini version of the last few years.

Yes I would have knocked off some big ones – the house, europe / all my big video and immediate song projects – but there is deficits in what I’ve let go.

Personal organisation from my money, business, car, to organising travel stuff.

The place is a mess, I’m way off track with my training, I’m not well groomed and presenting, these kind of things will catch up with me in europe when I start spotting those pretty girls and I’m not well placed.

Girls don’t care about your damn stupid videos.

But I am inspired to forge ahead with my content, I am finding rewards, like as I get through it, I feel more relaxed and less anxious, I know I can deal with business goblin stuff, I always have, and we know it’s become easier. Yes it’s annoying if we slip a grand here or there, that is not good, but we are on the long path back, and it may be over a year until we can escape this kind of precarity.

What I’m actually feeling is a bit of a personal victory – no one cares about my videos, but I set myself the hard task to push through – I didn’t know it was going to be so hard, but it was.

What is the point, it is the mountaintop from which I can see the next peak.

To see the next mountain in the distance, the one that matters, I had to climb this one, the one that doesn’t.

I breath the clean air, I couldn’t really believe that I had very little to do until the things that are standing in the way a removed and I see it for myself, so clearly.

It’s like the trading, it’s just not real until it’s real.

I am thinking about my real problems, flies. My rash is finally clearing up since serbia, isn’t that the way it is?

You shouldn’t expect things to be any different, that’s the magic.

My real challenge is that I need a visa for ukraine, and I need a contingency, that I will go to belgrade from minsk, where I can stay for as long as I like, and then see if I can get the double entry into ukraine so that I head back there after tallinn. It will cost more, but it’s good to have a plan.

You don’t know what the deal with darya will be either. I’ll be interested in dating other girls, but darya is my main girl, and my main girl is my focus.

I will always give in to temptation, but I also believe that darya is a special kind of girl, there are lots of nice girls in russia, but she’s one of the one’s you hold onto, because you’ll never go wrong.

What i’m saying is yes, kyiv is great because of the girls, but if you’re more into darya, you don’t have to hold on to ukraine.

If you’re all loved up on darya, you probably are not going to be motivated to chase girls around kyiv, and I’m more worried about getting settled in and doing my tunes and fitness than chasing side girls.

I was going to say I was more worried about business, but what’s business?

Business is paying the rent, business is trading, I do trading, it’s not something I have to remind myself to do.

The main business of getting girls back to the farm is something that will really only kick off once i’ve got a long term girlfriend. So it’s not what you’re focused on.

Again it’s the same issue that I will be facing when I finally finish these projects.

What to do, what to do? What to do with daylight.

I am transfering the content over for the archive videos, now we have a choice of which project to work on, and that at least has some liberation.

But now the mood I woke up with has vanished again, the trading has got me spooked again, wrecking my focus, I am mad about the archive videos because I know this is the part where I discover how much work needs to be done and start from there.

I already just remembered my pit stains are bad on this one too, and it angsts me up about how I am seeing the quality drop because I’ve got so many issues to grind through with this stuff.

It’s not too bad.

The main issue is I’ve relied on my narration a lot more than I remember – it’s pretty much mainly voice overs and so there’s gaps of over a minute long to fill.

But the concept is sound, the ideas I’m putting forward, what I’m trying to do, to present complex, dynamic business ideas in a simple way as a simple record, is sound.

Will it take a week to finish?

I doubt it. I can see the same problem, that trying to push and push is going to be really difficult.

I don’t think it will be as hard as the tour vids, I just see the reality that I so desperately want to get these done, but I know if I rush them, they will look shitty like I didn’t give a fuck. But that’s not true, god damn, didn’t I try. And it still looked shitty, but you knew if you worked it for another few weeks and tried to just chill and be easy, you’d start to get away from a messy amateur vibe that you’ve got holding you back.

Holding you back from what? It’s only pride holding you back from moving on to a more meaningful project.

It’s smart to have two projects going, and the songs. Otherwise you just start to bang your damn head – I know we won’t be doing any big projects like this for awhile, maybe not til next year.

When you start another big project it will be new, it will be in line with new concepts.

The idea of doing funny tour videos has been left behind with the tours and the let downs associated with that.

I think that batching is just what has to be done to prevent things getting boring, and keep it fresh, keep it moving, when it’s like it’s been, with bullshit vibes threatening to bring the momentum crashing down.

When we made those moves on basswave the other night, it was good.

We need to know what we’re going to be doing if we’re going to be twiddling our thumbs after we’ve spent a few weeks archiving videos and docs and pics and such.

Are you going to be full on committed to your podcast, your tunes, your videos, some blogs . . .

I say, do you want to write the 27 then? Well no, that doesn’t feel urgent at all. Why would I do that?

You may as well set up the basswave sites if you’re motivated to, this is maybe what the new technique is, trying to summon your motivation – and you need to get motivated to run around the block again because these are the easy things you should be nailing.

You need to mellow out, meditate, run around, empty your mind, and let it all naturally happen.

I say, do you want to do the dvd archiving? Well that is the most vanilla grind work, and you shouldn’t force it on yourself unless there is absolutely nothing else to do, it’s a fine mindless task to do in europe if you’re stuck for a few weeks in a situation where you’re not sure what you’re doing but you need to get something done.

But the 27, all the archiving, it goes in the same category, it’s so not important, it’s so hard to get motivated.

What are we thinking of? Sadhguru is it – everything should be done in joy, if you don’t want to do it, then don’t.

If you feel drained by having to motivate yourself like I do now, then you’re obviously doing it all wrong and you probably need to chill and also meditate.

I keep trying to do what I’ve done with basswave recently and reach beyond, what I’m doing now to understand I must be doing something soon, and I’d really like to know what it is.

To really go another level deeper on the archiving and start hitting the pics and the docs, I need much more space for that to truly go in deep for days at a time, I think I can get it done, but it’s this thing – not only the emotions, but we want to harness the emotions and the content output to put down vibes on social media.

I am having a crack at the pics archive, it doesn’t last long til i find pics of myspace girls to pound off to, that’s how it’s going to be.

Am I only going to feel like more of an idiot, more detached, if i’m pounding off over these pics in belgrade?

But this is exactly it, regret for girls I didn’t pound on myspace, if I’d spent all my time chasing tail – more time than I did – where would I be now? Not off back to europe, I can’t help but feel that the chase for pussy is one of those of ones that really does never end. There is enough money, there is enough achievement, but while you’re still young, there’s never enough pussy.

I mean these girls, these pics I collected, hot girls, hot girls, they’re everywhere, that is life on earth.

All the girls you can’t pound, you can’t pound them all, and that’s why I like my little darya, she’s for me, but as much as you profess your faith to the one true pussy, it still leaves me wondering. All these girls.

I was never going to be a stud, but what do I do with the feelings that are left, it seems to shallow to say, oh well, you better make sure you pound a dozen 9’s in ukraine to make up for it all.

It’s not like that.

Oh and there’s that girl, remember she was with that guy, and she fucked that dude, and something-a-rather and what?

What was it all worth? These are vibes for compassion fatigue.

She was hot, but this other chick was hotter, and he wanted to fuck her, and what the hell?

My trading is now back where I left it last night. Good times, I am back in the swing of it, literally.

I can be bitter about all the hot chicks in the world I don’t get to fuck, but how many more men would envy me for what it is I do get?

And I mean once again, where does it lead back? My little darya, my little darya who means everything to me, even after I’ve come, my little darya who would never put me through the bullshit these people are all about, these women, all the power the have over us and what they do with it.

Why be bitter, it’s just the world. You can tell yourself it would all make sense and it wouldn’t make you wonder if you’d got a chance to fuck all those girls, but I don’t think you’re seeing the real philosophy that’s there.

that a pussy to jam your dick into isn’t your right, it’s something that is earned, whether by genetics or simply a turn of good fortune.

Well, yes, it seems there’s a lot waiting to be waded through here, and I want to harvest the vibes as much as anything else, so I won’t get carried away.

Maybe just maybe, I am sitting on something powerful, in the same way I feel compassion fatigue might take 10 years to write just to get all the characters and stories right – the right mix between ordinary and extraordinary, real, emotional and fake and kind of empty.

Just sorting through all the pictures isn’t the job here, it’s harvesting all the vibes.

The music for the kurb archive, having to confront how many are scratched up beyond use, that’s the next one.

But when it’s all done all the pics and docs, what then?

We have all the pics for the 27.

All my posters and designs. Anything that would qualify as my art. All my sets of pics so I can do the final curated albums,

That’s my archive, each of the 27 chapters has a write up and some pictures, some content. Maybe eventually a little video where I narrate over some images.

That’s all there is, that’s the story.

As time goes by I will tweak and tweak until I get the right tone. Much like this tour video, I am now more mindful of how this old content connects to what I’m doing in the future.

In the past, I saw all this archive as evidence of gritty rise to the top, but since it looks like I’m never going to get there in music, now it’s backstory for my agents of soros character who is basically the older version of mattRC with money and axes to grind.

But I will always do my music, and so I will have a site for my music, where you can read about all the music stuff I’ve done.

It’s the idea that it’s my space and it’s entirely up to me how I present my music.

I’m not selling myself or my music, I’m just setting up a nice presentation so that if you want all the details you can read about it in this section, I am working on my presentation skills, how to describe some of the events in a way that gets the tone just right – not too nostalgic, not maudlin, not cynical, not aloof – just the right tonr to describe things and evoke some mood of it, that’s what I’m really doing, performing exercises that will help me with my primary content, the main stories I’m developing, by thrashing out what raw material I have.

***

This is the first morning I have woken completely given up to it.

I can’t get these videos done.

I will get them done before I leave but the idea of grinding on them just hasn’t worked out.

I just seem to sit here wasting a lot of time and letting things slide way too much and if I was getting work done, it would be justified, but I’m not, I spend more time like this, experiencing this friction, this push back.

It seems to make sense that if you were doing some running and practicing your russian you’d be making some progress, and that’s progress easily made, the progress you want to make elsewhere is a harder struggle.

Trading is long, and content is becoming even longer.

That is what is continually confronting me on the subconscious level, once all these little to-dos are done . . . before, well, there was always something else.

There was noob eats. There was this tour footage, there was the kurb archive stuff, for years now I’ve chained myself to plans for these little projects that they would get done.

That I would do videos, I would do modesthaus, I would film stuff for my tours, I would film stuff that resolved kurb, I would produce content, that major parts of my life – my business and my tours – would be represented on my channel as a major part of my life.

Soon it will be done.

There’s the hard part now, and then there’s what’s next, which is hard because I don’t really understand what it is, that it might really be so easy.

Now I realise I can take each voice break from the archive vids and do them seperately as animations in premiere elements.

I am getting anxious about the random raw footage of the cd/dvd stuff but I’m sure it’s there. What I am drawing attention to is the issue it creates – unfinished projects, there’s always that niggling issue, how am I going to deal with my pit stains? How am I going to work that through that issue, how am I going to know I’m going to manage

Leave a Comment

Previous post: