Open Heart Fuckery

by Matt Romantech on February 3, 2018

I did chip away on the video but in the end got way more wrapped up in what was happening with the trading, I am obsessed with this drop in the USD in the last 2 weeks, sure it has hurt me, but it’s been so much more violent a move than in ukraine and I have not suffered nearly as much.

I understand when these moves get made, I get hurt, I have to now build up my account $100 a day again.

This will simply go on and on, as per the old system, I can make $100 every day, but I can’t keep losing money every day, and eventually, the consistent gains will overhaul the inconsistent losses.

I believe it, it must be so, but what I began to realise yesterday is that in my system, things will always start going badly, before the able to go better, I have to make a loss in order to make the chance to make a gain. All my losses are full, all my gains are slight, and so it seems to me it will inevitably take a long time for all the tiny permanent cumulative gains to match up against the massive swinging losses

This is why it only works if you slow down, we did not find the right pace for our gains before – if the cumulative gains finally start to outpace the swinging loss, just putting more money down only opens you up to the risk of losing money faster than you can keep up, which is why I went up, and then I went down.

I leveraged up, and my profit could not keep pace with the loss, and here i am $40k poorer.

What I like about the new system here is that it never assumes what the range is – it acknowledges the levels but it doesn’t let the idea of ranges dominate the concept of trends, which are more dominant.

It has only just occurred to me what I should of done from the start – put $50k in my account and settled for making a grand a week – an awesome return of 2% a week and 100% a year –

But I am much more . . . I just accept now that . . . especially after putting this house and europe into the equation – this is what HAD TO HAPPEN. I had to learn that you get to make 2% a week and no more.

Otherwise you are risking a massive move slowly murdering you over months like the EURUSD has once again – again and again I thought I could handle but I was being a moron.

I wanted to believe I could make the grands each week, no one was there to tell me – you can make hundreds each week for a few years, that’s all you’re getting, don’t be greedy, you should’ve known, now you’ve paid the price over and over and are lucky enough to have escaped with $30k, so that I can build again, I can still make enough money to support myself.

Because that’s been the huge revelation – how cheap it is to live if you’re smart. I didn’t imagine $500 would be enough but as long as I can grab $200 a week when I need it, I will be fine, and I won’t need it in NZ.

***

I’m doing it again unfortunately – ignoring my video to nut out trading bullshit, something I have spent so long doing. What I see content wise is that I will have the most insane book on trading to come out of all this.

And like these videos, that’s the whole concept – I want my great grandchildren who I will never meet to read this, to read my book and suddenly get it, that their brain, is my brain and they have the power to think exactly how I have and do exactly what I’ve done and use my method to double their money every year.

But there is a new method I am using I want to talk about, and that’s why I’ve been focusing on trading and not my video.

When a pair has gone green over the edge, when you take profit you use the opportunity to get rid of positions way off on the other side.

If the trend continues, you have got out of a worsening position.

If the trend reverses, you know it’s likely a correction and it’s not probable that the full reversal will come and that position way off on 5% down is not likely to be recovered, all it’s doing is supporting your hedge without gaining any profit you can play with. It’s only on the edge that you are consolidating, because the edge is the risky place where you don’t want to play, will the trend continue or not? You can’t pick the top.

What you can do is build in such a way that on the edge, the question is being shut down so the answer is irrelevant. soon you’ve got a string of positions on the downside adding up to $10k and a string of green of $15k that is just waiting for the reverse signal to cash up.

While it’s going up you’re still making a little money, but mostly you’re waiting for it to cool down and head back to the middle of the range, where the increasing reversal has allowed bigger positions to build up to $15k or even $20k on both sides.

The beloved range where you can make your money. Of course from here the price action dictates how the money is distributed. Any trend can begin to green out and any trend that pushes more than 4% away from established positions has the potential to allow this deleveraging.

Rather than holding the old positions that could crush you, you let them go, only when it seems clear that we’re not going back there within 2 years without a radical event.

Yes, you have to eat the full cost of a massive drop which then has to be covered by endless tiny back and forth.

But what it means is the play on the edge has been regulated so that we don’t get ripped up by these moves that go sailing off, we wait for them to pull back and jump into that range.

We mitigate the damage over the month that it moves, so that we can make money over the next months that it ranges about.

***

It has not been an easy day, I have crashed through the floor of my previous low, I haven’t been this low in 18 months.

But the savagery has continued and I have continued to push back.

I get into these headspaces.

I went and started posting holiday stuff again, it was nice, I feel so nice to do that, like it’s something nice going on in my life.

It helps me realises – these headspaces, I’m lucky to be able to live this way – I know that it is sometimes frustrating and hard, but at least I am putting some good things into my life that are worthwhile

I feel that if I can travel and spend a few hours a day focused on trading until I get things coming right, even if it takes awhile, I can put things right, and still have a nice enjoyable life.

I only need to make $300 a week on top of kurb and my dole so that’s all I need to afford a girlfriend.

***

So as a 1 take the boat sequence is 5 minutes, but we need to be half that to even be a stand alone. between the german girls and the god sequence theres 90 seconds I guess.

The raglan stuff has shane and the neos so with jared as well, you get a bit of an all start cast, even if the

I still think we have 4 stand alone episodes:

– At the Bella Vista Motel
– The German Girls vs God
– Waiheke Ferry Afterparty
– Nimbin vs God

So just be aware of how this thing has ballooned, you weren’t going to do all the footage at once, at one point you weren’t even going to do this till you got to europe, but I just wanted these projects done.

Just as it has been in harder times, when I get sick of the situation, I will do something about it.

Again my sibconscious keeps sabotaging me because it keeps telling me I can relax, I don’t have to worry.

Why am I doing anything that’s not the video? Because my fore brain and my hind brain are in a massive battle right now.

My hind brain will not allow me to get on with this video because it is not getting anything it wants.

What does it want? Sex. Gratification. Rewards.

I am at the doctor bit, I guess this will be at the start. as well as a few shots of the posters outside the venue as an intro.

Then we go scenic with my narration, we’ll have those short circuit montages passing in the background behind the scenery, then to darcy at wanaka, then us in the alleyway, seguing over to darcy at invercargill, we will cut in some murderbike etc, scenery, but then send it straight into the motel which is somehow weirdly mashed with the boat, and anything funny not related to god and my DJ bit segues back into scenry where I am talking about the whole tour, all the dates, the friends

then the concept was bullshit
the conceptual stuff running from reality compound – pretending to be a band, to scamming, myspace, fake bands and then to my movie idea, then you’re going meta – talking about this video itself being about the ideas being brought from reality to a narrative that’s a concept.

then you’ve got to go to franz josef, then you’ve got to go philosophical, we weren’t the real characters.

then you can mix that in with my wanaka trip out and segue over to the god stuff, where you’re going to have the german girls and all the god stuff,

Then by the time you get back to dunedin . . .

young dolphin should go up to the point where the motel starts, and past tense starts where the ipad dj is, the wanaka trip is where past tense goes half time. and the end of acid jam will be for dunedin.

part 1 young dolphin to motel: intro to blame it on darcy

part 2 hardest on kids motel to ipad dj: blame the people friends – but it was bullshit – into reality compoud/myspace movie-meta – what is this video trying to say

part 3 past tense – ipad dj to wanaka trip, scenerey part 2: franz josef, get philosophical.

part 4acid jam – wanaka trip to god – german girls, party mash, raglan,

– we weren’t the story, everyone wants to be the story

***

Saturday.

I got more work than ever done on the video.

I am at the wanaka tripping scene now, it sort of brings things together for me, here I am watching this incoherent footage of me having this intense moment, knowing that this was a very special moment.

It’s some shitty footage, but the clouds are amazing, and this is the whole point – I have some of the moments of my life, real moments, I have them saved.

You know when I first started with all this, it was all about an “emotional retirement plan” and I still see that, that these are memories that will make me remember what it was like to be so alive.

On acid seeing an amazing sunset in a barren wilderness. All the girls I put my moves on. I was alive.

But I don’t need the “emotional retirement plan” any more, I live to trade.

I’ve been beaten, I’ve been wrecked and smashed by it, but I will never give up, I will never stop, I’ve proven I can do it, I will build again.

When I was in ukraine I swore that if what happened this week happened then, I would draw down more money, but just as I said, I took another beating, but I don’t need to prop my account up any more.

When my account finally stabilizes, I think you will find I am making at least $500 a week.

Not least because I was paying $130 a day in carry costs and now I pay $10, I save $800+ bucks.

But it’s not about the day to day mechanics of it, it’s that I have a new life with a new mission. I was always going to discover the market and now there is no turning back, I will never retire, I will live to play this game.

While I live to play it, my story still exists. This is why all this back story matters because even it takes until I am 50 I will make it.

And when I have made it, all this dicking around I did – the tour itself and this stupid video I’ve wasted two weeks on – will count for something, because my story counts for something.

Again I will be mining this footage for my videos for a bit to come now.

I think I saw this last night – the fact that this video has less to work with means I am in a space where I can start using more new school video techniques to make it more interesting, deconstructing, tight crops on specific parts of the shot even though the footage is rough.

It makes me go back to my europe stuff, it reminds me I have made record of the moments in my life, I am indulging the europe stuff a bit right now, but i still get joy from it, it was a magical trip.

It’s the reason I’m not too worried if the money situation blows out a bit more. I believe it’s even possible in the longer term the trading will get worse before it gets better, because I haven’t accepted that losses are part of the game too.

***

Now I’M SEEING

– at the bella vista motel
– the german girls vs god
– surprise afterparty on waiheke ferry
– dunedin
– wanaka
– nimbin

intro
doctor .30sec

mash up of plane, south island scenery, short circuit, duxlive – 1

segue into darcy gigs @ wanaka and invers – 1

motel and boat 2
ipad dj – dipton fashion 1
wanaka2dunedin scenery-road movie narration 1
barrier – barrier shack 1
– wanaka trip out 1
god – german girls 1
dj-meatgrinder-raglan 1
raglanigan
darcy gigs raglan, queenstown, dunedin
dunners gig
trombono – katie and adam

tie it up somehow

Maybe trombono deserves his own episode. We’ll have to see – this project turned into as big of an operation as any of the last tour videos, so it’s not a surprise it’ll have taken me weeks.

I was expecting to do 5 or 6 little 2 minute episodes. Now I’ve got the episodes – pretty sizey in themselves – AND a full 15 minute sized one.

remember there’s the mic check episode too. jesus. That’s potentially 8 episodes.

At the wanaka scene, i do this spiel about how when the camera is off you want to capture it, but when the camera is on, you never quite can, you’re chasing the moment – you’re trying to grasp something but you can’t ever feel it unless you let go.

This is seguing into some of the ideas about the ego of the artists – in this case, me, in this instance the content, the subject of this video – trying to make themselves the story, when the real story was what was happening all around us.

I just want a progression in the narration that covers the full scope.

There’s the darcy angle, the reality compound angle,

the philosophical angle – it was good because it wasn’t good, and it’ll be all forgotten anyway, what kind of life would you choose to live if you were given the choice?

And finally the storyteller vibe. we try to grasp the moment but we can only hold onto it inside the stories we tell.

And then you flip that back to dunedin, it’s not supposed to be a happy video!

I am seeing there may not be room for more than a very brief narration that outlines my main points in a way that seems deep and ponderous, but is just rolling a bunch of statements together.

– i am still doing the tours because it’s a rare source of adventure in my life

– we were barely trying any more given we knew the venues were going to pay us, and I was still going along with it even though it was becoming more and more cynical

– it’s always easy to blame darcy. but who’s fault was it really?

– I made so many incredible friends on these tours, but for all the bullshit darcy put us through, who was really stepping up to do it, to organise the damn tour and drive the crappy van around so that these also rans could play at being legitimate musos?

– I loved these tours, i loved to escape to the remote wild wilderness of the south island, to experience the journey but I’m not going to say that the gigs were good or that we had a great time.

– but it was the spirit of the times, social media had first presented me with the concept of a fake band and from there the extent

intro –
south island road
wanaka invercargill gig
motel boat –
dipton/dj
south island road
barrier wanaka trip –
meatgrinder –
raglan –
dunedin

bella vista
drama in dunedin
german girls
boat party
raglan 1
raglan 2
wanaka
nimbin

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